A Tale of Two The Story of One
by TheMusicKeeper
Summary: Papa Francis and Arthur used to tell me that there will be moments which mark my life. Moments when I realize that nothing will ever be the same, and time divides into two parts- Before this, and after this. And what you're about to read is my life story of exactly that.
1. The Before

_~VVV~_

 _Blood makes us related. Loyalty makes us family._

 _~VVV~_

 **For as long as I can remember you've always been by my side.** **Even though we have very different personalities, interests, and ideas...** **All I had to do was turn my head and there you were, a welcoming hand to guide me through the dark.**

 **•oŌo•**

The sky outside was wrathful with black clouds that loomed over the earth like an impenetrable blanket. Not even a lone star was visible, and the moon was nothing but a legend behind the ominous obstruction, as each thundering clap sent trembles through the very earth herself! I feared the windows would shatter in on themselves, as the ground beneath my feet shuttered with dismay, and the sharp slaps of rain sent icy waterfalls over the crystal glass. The very heavens were weeping it seemed, for the wind grieved with regretful wails. Ribbons of amethyst lightning hissed through the downpour, and as the light flashed blindingly through the windows it made the shadows along the walls dance.

"Alfred!" I vowed I hollered over the roar of thunder and surge of rain, but when my voice echoed back in my own ears it sounded like nothing but a feeble whisper. The surrounding darkness was consuming my cries, as my breathing split through my lungs. My heart marched against my ribs like a drum, and I could only run faster as I tried to evade the shadows that formed disgruntled faces along the walls. Clouds and wind and rain fought against each other in a war of the heavens, and in my lavender orbs tears fell and rolled off my cheeks out of fear. I wailed and wept again to the darkness, as my blood raced through my veins and my wretched sobs were only muffled by the silky fur of my stuffed polar bear- his plush, snowy head the only thing to swallow my cries of terror.

 **When we were kids, the storms would scare me.** **The bolts of flashing lightning across the clouds always sent me screaming to your room to seek out your warmth and security.** **And you always welcomed me with open arms.**

 **•oŌo•**

The only thing separating us now was the massive, mahogany door that hung above me like a crushing barrier, it's brass doorknob gleaming in the strobe lights of the raging storm. I've seen this side of the door so many times by now I could tell you where every crack in the ancient wood is, every twist and turn of its rings, every dent and blemish of its imperfect surface. The same to the other side as well. Maybe Papa Arthur was right...maybe I do spend more time in your room then my own. Not that I cared.

I burst through your door in a frenzy of terrified whimpers and scorching tears, my voice a hollow outcry of longing as I bawled your name through the dark. And, as if on command, you materialized out of the shadows. Your azure eyes gleamed like stars within the darkness. Your thin arms opened up. And a smile, so compassionate and sunny, swept across your lips. A smile reserved only for me, as I sprung into your waiting embrace.

Warmth seemed to instantly flood through me like a river, and the storm outside became dead against my ears. No longer did I hear the shrieking of the blistering wind, or the claps of the roaring thunder. No longer did I feel the wintery air, or the moisture that dribbled from the ancient roof. But now I heard your steady breathing, and the rhythmic thump of your heartbeat that echoed through my skull.

 _Shoomf_... _shoomf_... _shoomf_. Yes, this robust beat, I couldn't help but lean my ear closer to your chest to take in more of the sound. It was like a drum with its own soothing tempo. A kindly pitter-patter that sounded mightily.

And like this you held me. With my form curled up against your own, and your lean fingers woven through my tangled hair. With your protective arms wrapped around me, and your voice humming charmingly in my ear. Like this I could stay forever, as you sang to me about blue skies and butterflies. Of green fields and chirping birds. Oh you had such an amazing voice, and I could almost touch the silky wings of the beauteous insects. I could almost smell the sugary sweet scent of wild honey and periwinkle, and taste the crisp dew glittering off the leaves of a springs morning. It was fascinating to me how you knew exactly what to do to calm me down, and soon enough my tears were dry, leaving no evidence behind except for the salty tracks down my rosy cheeks.

And then you spoke, your voice a sugared whisper.

"Please don't cwy anymore." You'd say, as you smiled brightly, and you guided me to the bed where we could hibernate through the storm. "I'm here for you Mattie- no matter what. After all, it's my job as a hewo to make you happy!"

"I love you~."

 **And oh how I treasured those words, and the light of your smile! They made me feel so safe, as if nothing could harm me! And, with you, it was like I could take on the world~. A world that began to change around us as we got older. We went to school, and you were quick to make lots of friends and participated in all the games and sports, while I preferred to stay to myself and read lots of books. I spent all the time I could spare with my nose stuffed in the pages, and my name was well known throughout the library staff. Unfortunately, this made me look like an outsider to the other kids, and it lead to bullies who were absolutely merciless.**

 **•oŌo•**

"Hey nerd!" I grimaced at the barking voice and the grate of gravel that advanced towards me, as I lifted my book closer to my face, and tried to evaporate behind the pages. I was praying, pleading to a ghostly force to keep my oppressors away, for something, someone to defend me! But, of course no one sprung to my saving, and my leather bound book was slapped out of my hand, the pages plummeting to the ground and being glazed with a layer of muck. Man I lost my page! And to think James was about to confess his love to Ward...

"Listen to me when I'm talking to you!" I was wrenched out of my thoughts as a clammy hand abruptly shot out and grappled my collar, snatching me off the gnarled tree root, and into the face of my bully, Jason P. Gray. His greasy, copper hair fell over his hawkish eyes, as around him his two friends chortled with glee and fetched my fallen book, their eyes grazing over the words with revolted sneers.

"Hey Jason," the smallest, blonde one said, his sullen, teal eyes malicious as he passed my book to the oldest boy, "look at this shit." Jason, now snatching the leather covered pages, fastened his grasp around my shirt, as his eyes regarded the words with a hungry craving, his eyes only brightening with devilish light the longer he gazed on.

"Well, what's this?" The senior crackled, his sneer magnifying across his chapped lips. "He's reading a love story between two males!" Jason chortled. "What are you, a faggot?~"

I recoiled at the profanity, my lilac orbs crystallizing, as the senior rattled me roughly. My brain jolted within my skull at the harsh movement, and I watched as they threw my book to the ground once more. The pages plummeted against the sod with a dull thud as fine particles of sand clouded around the leather. It wasn't the first time they had labeled me such a thing, and although I was in fact "gay" I was getting tired of being stamped under such a beastly word. Girls snicker at me. Boys shun me. Teachers glance at me with either nausea or perplexity, but they don't restrain the ones who harass me. Even now they relax on the sidelines, knowledgeable of what's happening, and yet they turn a blind eye, pretending not to notice. "We're high-schoolers now, we should know how to get along." Or at least that's what they say.

But even grownups fight in wars.

"So Jason, what should we do with him?" The blonde one asked, rupturing me out of my head as Jason beamed viciously, his swampy eyes gleaming, and his hands rolling into tight fists.

"Well," the older boy drawled, his voice gruesomely honeyed, "why don't we just show him what happens to gay fags like him." And then Jason was on me, his fist nailing my jaw with a blatant snapping sound. I staggered backwards, clutching my face as a broiling, metallic taste washed across my tongue- definitely blood. Now, this wasn't the first time I've been beaten by him and his goons, in fact, by this time I was almost used to the pain, but that didn't freeze the fingers of agony that traced across my jaw, or the swelling wrath which coiled up into my chest, and flared in my eyes. I was so sick of arriving home with bruises to hide, and from Alfred no less! Papa Francis and Arthur are constantly slaving over work, too busy to notice. But my brother? He's far more vigilant than people give him credit for, especially when it comes to me.

I hissed then, my eyes flaring, and returned the favor, clenching a shaky fist and hooking Jason across the face. The same cracking sound was absent, but from the way the older boy groaned I knew I cuffed him fairly hard considering my lack of physical strength. With a cough, Jason spat blood onto the lush ground, the crimson droplets glimmering in the sun, before he locked eyes with me, the intent to kill flickering deep within his muddy orbs. I tensed, but could still feel my knees shake with terrified anticipation.

"Big mistake kid." Jason snarled, then charged and tackled me to the turf. I writhed as the older boy's arm snaked around my neck in a chokehold, and kicked and flailed in an attempt to get Jason off, but the chocolate haired teen wasted no time rolling upon me to slam his forehead against mine. I gasped, pain burning through my skull, and clawed at Jason's arm to no avail, my nails doing little against his grimy skin as he knocked off my glasses, and his goons encouraged him on from the sidelines. Desperately, I sunk my teeth into Jason's flesh, biting down as hard as I could. I felt the skin tear, and the warm rush of blood as my teeth penetrated the surface, then heard the older boy wail with agony, as he ripped his arm away to inspect the wound. Rivers of gleaming crimson were running down his arm and dripping from his elbow, as my bite mark against his skin grew a nasty purple and began to swell. The goons went silent then, and Jason's eyes were wide with shock as a hush fell over them.

The peace was short lived though.

My face was thrown into the ground by a harsh uppercut to the jaw, the rattling sound of teeth smashing together filling my ears as another spurt of copper painted my tongue once more. I groaned silently and curled up, drawing my knees into my chest and hiding my face, as Jason rained down furious blow after blow, and blood poured from my swollen lips. This was starting to get out of hand! Normally it was just a punch or two, but now that I've found the idiotic courage to (somewhat) fight back, the amount of pain was only growing steadily as Jason screeched with howling fury. The blood dripping from his wound enough to ignite a new wave of fury within the senior.

"You wanna start something you faggot!?" Jason snapped, his teeth gnashing as I cried out in agony, and his punches were replaced by sharp kicks to the back. Kicks that caused black spots to dance around my vision, and teeter me on the brink of unconsciousness. "You think you're better than me? Trying to make me look bad in front of my friends!? At least I have some!" Another blow came, and another- someone may as well have been stabbing me, for the pitiful yelps I made each time Jason's foot chiseled into my flesh, only made the senior more satisfied with his work. "I can make your life hell! You hear me!? I've seen the way you look at that Russian kid! Ivan is it? How about I tell him you want his dick! Let's see how far that gets you, you fuckwad!" Jason hissed, poison dripping from his words as his goons cheered on, and I coughed up a splatter of blood, the droplets coloring my glasses which were starting to fade from my hazing vision. Every second was lasting a lifetime, every shout and spat word morphing into white noise, as licks of fire ate up my body, it's burning fingers caressing my form with all too lovable strokes.

When the bell finally rang, and Jason and his goons left, much to their hollering merriment, the corruption upon my form was already done.

My whole face was swelling with hues of plum and navy that mingled with tinges of bleeding scarlet. Grotesque bumps arose where my head had taken the most beating, and my lips were shredded and practically gushing blood. Black splotches appeared on my hands and arms, and I was sure that underneath my clothes there would be similar clusters of discoloration littering my back and abdomen, or just everywhere in general considering that's what hurt the most. Not a single part of me didn't feel sore, as I slowly reached a trembling hand out to grasp my round glasses that was speckled with crimson. My body screeched at every step. My muscles burned and my bones felt like lead. Even my blood seemed to move through my veins like maple syrup as I limped my way to the nurse.

She was the only one who showed sympathy towards me, but, then again, maybe I'm just mistaking it for annoyance, as she sighed and patted the thin bed in front of her that was already prepared. I was a routine customer. She knew when I was arriving.

 **I never told you about what they'd do to me Alfred. I didn't want you to worry, and you'd think I'd be able to take care of myself now that we're in high-school. But you always found out in the end, and the evidence of it was clear a few days later…**

 **•oŌo•**

"Hey Matvie, have you seen your brother?"

I peeped up from my literature paper to see Ivan take a seat next to me, the old plastic creaking under his large form as he slid in. His platinum hair was glistening in the artificial glow of the classroom, and his pale skin was fair, like marble. His smile was thin, but warm, and his orchid orbs watched me worriedly, eating up every welt that colored my ashy face. The Russian wasn't here when Jason and his goons attacked me (he was in the city at a doctors appointment), so you can only imagine his rage when he came back to find me beat to a mushy pulp.

I flushed under his passionate gaze and scooted closer to him, shivering as I felt his fingers intertwine with mine, and his lips lovingly kiss my bruised cheek. "No, I'm sorry Ivan. He wasn't on the bus this morning either, so maybe he got papa Arthur to drive him?" I really did have no idea where my rambunctious brother was. I didn't hear him singing in the shower like he normally is when we get up, nor did I hear the sound of his laugh roaring through the house as he scuttles around on his phone, chatting away to whoever's up too talk. Did Alfred even get up this morning? It wouldn't be the first time he's missed the bus because he's a night owl...

I heard the Russian give a ponderous grunt at that, which pulled me out of my thoughts, before he continued to clutter my skin with compassionate kisses. Ivan had been in utter distress when he saw my condition, but it was nothing compared to that of Alfred's rage.

The American's face grew into a blazing red, and his sapphire eyes ignited with fire as he cursed and yelled and turned his room inside out in a fit of fury. Wood broke into splinters. Glass crashed against the floor in glimmering pieces. Books were ripped open and old stuffed animals brutally murdered... I've never seen you so angry, and in all honesty it scared me.

You scared me Alfred.

But I knew the destruction was the only way you could vent, the only way you could calm down. I honestly never knew you cared for me so deeply until that day you blew your top. I was flattered, really I was! But still a bit frightened, at least until you were back to being somewhat normal. Although you smothered me for the rest of the week...

Alfred hardly ever left my side, and when he did, he always came bursting back in the room in such a way, it was like he was expecting me to be caught up in another fight. He gushed over my every word and jumped into action at my every need. Alfred wouldn't even let me stroll to the bathroom! He'd hoist me up and carry me, no matter how much I complained! It was quite annoying, albeit it was also delightful to be the center of my brothers attention...

"Matvie, aren't they the ones who beat you?"

I was ripped out of my head by the Russians venomous voice, his eyes as frozen as glaciers and his grasp around my hand tightening. Sure enough, Jason and his two goons were advancing towards us, their footsteps thumping against the glossy tile of the unruly classroom. To my surprise, however, they didn't look the same as they did yesterday, and I couldn't stop the astounded gasp of breath I took as I saw them.

The goons where sporting ruptured lips and black welts that designed their cheeks and necks in swelling mounds. Their hands and elbows where scabbed over with dirty, scarlet welts, as if they had taken a hard fall against the ground, and their noses were swollen, clearly broken. Jason however, was the worst of the three. His nose was crushed, and his lips were bloated and black, as well as his left eye that was throbbing and pussing horridly, seemingly glued shut. His skin was littered with yellowish blue splotches, and he was sporting scabs and stitches from what looked like talons. The jagged slashes drawing puffed streams against his flesh as he stood with all his weight on one foot.

I couldn't look away, and neither could Ivan, although he looked more appeased then taken back.

I think I knew why Alfred wasn't in school today.

"M-Matthew?" Jason's voice quivered, and his one good eye fluttered around anxiously, as if fearful to just utter my name. "Look, me and my buddies are _really_ sorry about how we treated you the other day. I actually have family and friends who are gay, so I apologize for being such an asshole to you. It'll never happen again okay?" The seniors voice was rushed and trembled as he spoke, and all the while he never made eye contact with me. "Oh and...Tell your brother we were here alright? Just so he knows they're no hard feelings..." And then Jason and his goons bustled away with swift feet- afraid of being around me any longer then they should- while Ivan happily beamed, and ran his fingers along mine in loving circles.

 **And ever since then the bullies stayed clear of me, never so much as glancing my way as they cradled bruises and cuts dealt by your hands.** **I hope those three months of you being grounded was worth it Alfred, but still, when I asked you why you did it, your words stayed the same…**

 **•oŌo•**

"Hey Mattie, how was school bro?~"

You asked, your voice cheerful and your sapphire eyes sparkling with innocence as you flipped through the pages of a book. In response, I threw my backpack onto my bed and huffed at you as I tore off my shoes.

"Well, you'd know if you weren't suspended for a month." I mumbled under my breath, but you've trained yourself well when it comes to picking up my voice, and soon your confused eyes were on me.

"Jeez Mattie, was it really that bad? Those guys didn't beat you up again did they?" You asked, your eyes hardening and your hands balling up into tight fists, as poison dribbled from your lips. It was incredible how easily you shifted emotions (going from relaxed to ready to kill), but I had long since gotten used to your flashing mood swings, and simply brushed it off with a roll of my eyes.

"No they didn't beat me up, but I saw what you did to them! What the hell Alfred, are you trying to get permanently kicked out of school!? What if you had broken something!?"

"What if I broke something? Whatcha think was racing through my head when you came home lookin' half _dead_!" You shot back, as your sad sapphire eyes fluttered over the fading bruises against my skin. "Don'tcha know how worried I was Mattie? I couldn't just let it slip by without justice!" You finished, as you shut your book and scooted closer to my side. I sighed and this, and swallowed thickly as my anger slowly swept away, but still, apart of me was holding onto the sheer stubbornness of the situation. Yes they beat me up, but for Alfred to retaliate with such violence (when he wasn't even involved) just seemed a bit rash.

"But Alfie, it wasn't even-."

"No 'buts' Mattie!" You interrupted, as your piercing, azure eyes became as clear as an open sky, and as deep as the shimmering ocean. They became an entire world in themselves, and stared into my own with waves of adoration and worry- begging me to understand. "Listen, I know what I did was kind of stupid." I snorted at this. You chuckled and took my hands in your own with a supportive squeeze. "Okay, so maybe it was a lot stupid, but I can't just sit by and let them beat on you, especially over something like being gay. I mean, it's not like you can control who your heart wants to love, so why make a big deal out of it you know?" You asked, smiling softly. I managed a weak grin back in reply, and sighed through my teeth.

"Yeah, I guess so... but you don't understand what's it like to be this way and get haggled on for it! Even the teachers can be assholes..." I sighed, running my fingers through my tangled hair, but still your smile didn't waver. Instead it grew brighter, as a cherry blush crossed your freckled cheeks.

"Well, actually..." You trailed off and fiddled with your glasses, taking them off then putting them back on again as the crimson stain along your skin grew darker. "There is someone I like, and, believe me, my football buddies are still giving me a hard time for it every now and then..." You finished, as I stared at you blankly with wide lavender eyes. You had a crush and you didn't even tell me until now?

You must of been in my thoughts, for you turned to me with a sheepish grin- your cowlick twitching with nervousness. "Uhhh, yeah... sorry I didn't tell you sooner bro. It's just, with all that you've got already going on I didn't want to bother you with my own crazy life." You chuckled, only to wince as I lightly punched your shoulder.

"Alfie, you derp, I don't care if I'm fighting aliens as a double life! If you want to tell me something then tell me- we're brothers after all! Now spill! Who's your crush?!" I demanded, grabbing your shoulder and shaking you as you giggled, your sapphire eyes twinkling happily.

"Well...you know that little Japanese kid who moved to the district a few months ago? The one that hangs out with Ludwig and Feliciano?"

"You mean Kiku Honda?" I asked, only for you to blush brightly and hide away in your hands, the tip of your cowlick drooping to from a heart as you nodded weakly.

I honestly couldn't stop the squeal that erupted from my lips at that- it was just so cute! This however only made you blush brighter as you playfully shoved me, throwing me into the bed as I giggled happily.

"M-Mattie!" You stuttered, your eyes narrowing, but still holding warmth. "Will you keep it down? I don't want Papa Francis finding out and trying to meddle in my nonexistent love life." You sighed, rubbing your cheeks as if to get rid of the cherry hue that coated your skin. I smiled and untangled myself from the blankets, my eyes bright and happy once again as I nodded. I could respect your wishes to keep Francis out of the loop for now. After all, when I first told him about Ivan the conversation had somehow turned from "how'd you two meet," to "how to have safe sex." It was truly embarrassing. I'm just glad Arthur came in when he did.

"So uhhh." Your trailing voice yanked me out of my head to see you playing with your glasses again. Your fingers fluttered over the cool metal as you took them off, cleaned them, and put them back on with one swift, yet awkward, motion. "You good now bro?"

I couldn't help but smile at the question, for I know how insecure you are about yourself Alfred.

It seems you're always looking at yourself in the mirror. I've found you countless times poking your belly and thighs or ranting on about diets or exercise. And, if it's not your weight, then it's your appearance. You fuss over your skin and hair and clothes, always striving for better or more fashionable no matter how much I tell you you're perfect as you are. It just doesn't seem to get through to your thick skull. And with this being said, I know how hard it must of been to open up about your crush and sexuality. And all just to make me happy again...

I smiled at this, and rested my head on your shoulder, as you lazily looped an arm around my waist. Warmth washed over me like a blanket, and I leaned further into you, soaking up more and more of the sunshine you emitted.

"Yes Alfie," I soothed in my whispering voice, "I'm all good now."

You beamed at this, your pearly teeth glittering in the aging afternoon light, and wrapped me in a tight bear hug. Your arms looped around my waist like crushing snakes as you pulled me deep into your chest, laughing into my golden locks that tickled your nose. And then you spoke.

"Good, because I'm here for you Mattie- no matter what. After all, it's my job as a hero to make you happy!"

"I love you~."

 **Yes, those words have been permanently marked in my memory it seems, and they were always a comfort as we finally finished school. We were both so happy when we graduated! And I remember how we swore we'd never do another year of school again! But then we went to college... You were dreaming of the wonders in space, while I was fascinated with aquatic life, and strived to be a marine biologist. I remember how we would stay up studying until the very sun came up- pushing ourselves to get good grades. And, although it worked, the strain drowned us in exhaustion and stress, until it finally broke over our shoulders...**

 **•oŌo•**

"Alfred?" I barked your name through the dusk of the house, as I lifelessly dragged my feet over to your stooped form. The only light was from the lamp illuminating your desk, where the sound of a pencil scribbling against parchment was arising through the stillness. I groaned at this as I shook my head, and tried to drive away the sleep that threatened to heave me under. Outside, the sun was just beginning to crest over the city horizon, emitting hues of boiling crimsons and golds against frigid, steel buildings. The clock, nailed just overhead, read that it was somewhere around 7:00am, and still you haven't laid down to sleep.

Yes, it was definitely time to head to bed.

"Alfred…" I inwardly cursed my wistful voice as I rested a hand upon your shoulder, pulling you from your work as you turned to look at me. What I saw however, made my breath catch in my throat.

Your sapphire eyes, normally so clear and vibrant, were barren and smothered with a longing of sleep. Your cowlick was wilting like a flower, giving into gravity. Your skin was pale and ashy, and you held dark bags under your eyes. I'm sure I looked the same way, but if you noticed you didn't let it show on your face, as you smiled a strained grin through thin lips.

"Hey Mattie, what's up?" You asked innocently, as you clutched the pencil in your hand tighter and twirled it about your fingers that looked scared from overusing the wooden utensil. I had to fight the urge to swat the thing away, as I reached over to flick off your lamp and envelop the apartment with darkness. I heard you gasp in surprise at this, and felt your fingers brush over mine as you tried to turn the lamp back on, but I knocked your hand away and sighed through my teeth.

"No Alfred," I tried to sound stern but the drowsiness still dripped through my voice, "you've been up long enough. You need your sleep." I informed in a matter of fact tone, as you grumbled into your hands, and your straggly, golden locks fell over your face limply.

"What!? But Mattie, I'm not done! I've still got to study, and finish these algorithmic problems before-."

"Before nothing Alfred!" I interrupted. "It's the beginning of the weekend, we have two days to finish our assignments!"

"Yeah, and two days to sleep as well! I can stay up and finish it, I've got the time. Besides, don't act like you haven't been staying up early like me too." You hummed snobbishly, before snapping back on the lamp with a swift flick of your wrist, and illuminating the smaller space once more with a yellowish glow. I couldn't help but snarl at that, knowing that your statement was true, before tuning the lamp back off again.

"Yeah, I will admit, I have been staying up really late to do work like you, but at least I know when to stop!"

"Hey," you barked, "what are you trying to say? That I'm a workaholic?!" I didn't answer your question, but my pointed look in your direction was enough to convey my thoughts, as your eyes flashed, and your voice lowered to a defensive hiss. "Mattie, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get good grades, in fact, maybe if you put in the same devotion I do, you would've gotten an 'A' on your last test." You snapped, turning on the lamp once more with an audible 'click,' as I growled, my curl twitching angrily.

That test, that quiz over marine biology and environmental location, it's the only exam I've ever passed with less then, at least, a high 'B.' The night before I had studied well past midnight, and decided to turn in early so I wouldn't be tired. But Alfred, (who also had a test the same day over lightyear measurements), had stayed up until around five and passed with an average 'A'- albeit he collapsed out of exhaustion later. And ever since Alfred's been using it as an excuse to stay up longer and work, continuously abusing the grade he got to strain his already poor eyesight on math problems.

I was getting real tired of having to drag you away from the desk just so you could get some sleep. Tonight was the last straw.

I groaned out of sheer frustration and pulled at my golden hair, as my lavender eyes, so heavy with apathy, scowled at you. My voice grew louder in tone, and I pointed an accusing finger in your face that almost brushed the tip of your nose. I was livid. I was tired, and deep down I was worried. But right here in this moment, as my fury reached its peak, that worry was smothered under the scorching flame of anger.

"Will you stop rubbing that in!" I screeched, my voice thundering in my ears. "Big whoop, you got a higher score than me, but at least I didn't end up in the hospital afterwards because of dehydration and malnutrition! Honestly Alfred, what the fuck were you thinking!? You're twenty three years old- can't you take care of yourself!"

"Hey you have no room to talk!" You jumped up then, your sapphire eyes flickering with fire as the drowsiness in your voice melted away. "There have been a fair share of days where I've had to carry you to bed myself, so you can't talk like you're the golden boy!"

"I never said that I was!" I snapped back quickly."Didn't I just admit that I've been staying up too? Damnit Alfred, I'm trying to talk about your complete lack of self concern! Don't you know how worried I am when you forget to eat or stay up all night? Or do you have your head shoved too far up your ass to notice!?"

"I'm just trying to get good grades! Since when did that become a crime!?"

"Since you fucking passed out in the middle of your damn class! Jeez, can you not get it through your thick skull, or are you really that stupid!?" At this point I knew I needed to stop. I knew that I was teetering on an edge that left me wanting to hurt you Alfred, but I couldn't hold back. My head was smogged with exhaustion, my heart was racing, and because of it my mouth rambled on its own. "I mean honestly- I don't know how the hell you plan on getting into space when you can't even drag your tired ass to bed! You wanna explore other planets? Ha! Well with the way you're headed you're gonna end up six feet underground here on Earth before you even finish college! But you just don't seem to fucking understand that do you?" I heard you mutter something at that, and could see the swelling defeat in your eyes as you tried to get a word in. But again I continued on- my venomous words being fed by a brew of worry and anger, as you could only listen with deflating shoulders. "Seriously Alfred, there are so many people who care about you, and yet you just throw all concern aside! It's like you don't give a damn about who you hurt, as long as poor Alfie gets his way in the end! And it doesn't fucking matter if you didn't mean any harm by it," I snapped then as I began to pace the floor, "because you still did it! Does that make any sense at all to you? The fact that you didn't realize what you were doing doesn't discharge you from the responsibility of your actions! At the very least you could acknowledge your faults from time to time and apologize! Or, better yet, you could actually do something to change them! But no! Because that would mean that 'the hero' did something wrong, and that just doesn't fall in with your monstrous pride does it Alfred?"

"Mattie," I heard you start up then with a small voice, "I didn't mean to..."

"Oh my god." I interrupted, my lavender eyes flickering with fire. "Are you even listening!? What did I just say!? It doesn't matter if you didn't mean to! God, am I wasting my breath here?" You didn't say anything to that, but in the back of my mind I didn't expect you too. Instead you just looked to the floor with your straggly, wheat locks falling in front of your eyes. I sighed at the sight, and ran my fingers through my hair with an annoyed huff. "You know what, I'm going to bed. If you wanna stay up and ruin yourself then fine, I don't care. But I'm not going to waste energy trying to get you to do something that you're too damn stubborn to do."

And then I was spinning on my heels and stomping through the halls, as my furious grumbles echoed off the walls. Why!? Why did Alfred have to be so unreasonable! Doesn't he understand how physically harmful it is to the body to not get proper rest! Now yes, a few nights of disturbed sleep won't kill you, but doing it consistently for months!? Well that just might! It's no wonder he collapsed, and yet still he continues to strain himself! And then he has the nerve to waste my breath by not heeding my warning!? Doesn't he see that I'm just trying to help!?

I growled to myself at that, then barged into my room, slammed the door, and collapsed onto my bed.

I hated fighting with you Alfred, it always left such a rancid taste in my mouth, and a ring in my ears. I always just felt so... _deflated_ , like I just watched someone kick a puppy- and a crippled one at that! But isn't that funny? I can get into an argument with anyone and won't bat an eye, and yet with just a few sharp words between us I feel so glum...

I sighed bitterly to myself at that, then looked to my clock on the nightstand. It's glowing, green numbers said that it was going on 7:15 a.m- and now I couldn't sleep.

I tossed and turned under my fleece blanket, but the soft wool provided no comfort as I reached out and grasped my stuffed polar bear. His aged fur was now a tinted beige, and has long since been perfumed with the fluffy scent of pancakes. But not even his familiar, squishy form against mine soothed my fragile nerves.

I was regretting what I said, because damn it I _did_ care!

I did care if he was staying up too late! I did care if Alfred got himself hurt from the strain he's putting himself on! Hell, when I heard he had collapsed and was in the hospital, I bawled my eyes out! And all the way to him I drove faster than I've ever driven before, breaking all sorts of laws just so I could be at his side and hold his hand. Even if he was asleep, and couldn't feel my presence… still I waited long into the night.

I don't think I've ever cried so much then on that day. It was all so sudden, and Alfred had looked so pale and thin hooked up to all those crazy wires… like a child entangled within a spider's deadly web. I wonder if you'll ever really know how much you terrified me that day Alfred, how cold my blood ran, or how I worried over every beep of the heart monitor.

I didn't have the time to wonder for long however, as I heard the familiar screeching of my doors hinges.

Open and closed my door sounded, as I waited for your (not at all silent) approach. With every step you took the floor creaked and shuddered with distress as weight was forced upon it. I could also hear your whispered curses as you made unwanted noise from your thumping steps. It was almost laughable- how you tried to sneak to my side. And had the situation been any different I would've let loose my share of giggles. But the tension was still thick, and my anger still brewed as you grew closer and closer to my bedside. I guessed you were coming to apologise, but before I could even get a word out (to tell you that I didn't want to hear your pleas), your own voice ringing through the air made me lose mine.

"I hate you Matthew."

My eyes widened at those four words, and I bolted upright in bed as my fury returned… but the tears in your eyes halted the roar in my throat as you sniffed pathetically, and clutched at my bedsheets.

"I hate it when you're right." You went on then, your voice shaking. "I hate it when you have to make a point. Or when apart of me is agreeing with you, and yet fighting as well. I hate that you know exactly what to say to break me down. I hate that you're so much more responsible than me, even when I'm trying my best, or that you can pass without having to do what I am and- damn it I _hate_ you Matthew!" Your voice was shrill, and tears now spilt from your eyes which you furiously scrubbed at with your sleeve, and yet despite the bitter tears you smiled warmly. Then you chuckled.

"But...we both know that's not true. Don't we?"

There was a thick silence as you said that, and even I found myself speechless as you sighed slowly with a look of pure defeat. "We both know that I could never really hate you. That I'm just ranting off on my own exhaustion and stress. And I'm sorry for everything- for worrying you, for snapping at you, for causing you trouble… but I don't deserve your forgiveness do I? And I guess I can't blame you for not forgiving me, I mean, if I was in your shoes I'd be equally mad. But... I didn't _mean_ to-."

"You can't say that." Your dull, sapphire eyes widened as I interrupted you, but still I kept going- feeding off the the bitter feelings still boiling in my chest. "How dare you just lie to my face- saying that you didn't mean too when not even the strongest person can ignore their body's needs! If you really didn't mean too then you would've slept when you were tired, and ate when you were hungry! You wouldn't of let your grades get the better of you, and strain your poor eyesight on math problems in the middle of the night! You knew _perfectly well_ what you were doing Alfred, so don't just sit there and _lie_ to me when-."

"I meant that I didn't mean to hurt you!" Your voice was sharp, and split somewhere in the middle with an atrocious tone. "Look, you're right okay. I knew what I was doing to myself, and I apologize again for it, but Mattie I'm just trying to be better!"

"How is doing that making anything better!" I screeched, as my lavender orbs blazed with fire. "If anything it's only making you worse! Damn it, why don't you see what you're-."

"I don't wanna be better for me!" My eyes widened at your outburst, but you only sniffled sadly as your sleeve scrubbed at your tear filled eyes. "I-I'm trying to be better for our papas! I just wanna make them proud of me. It's all I've ever wanted! But it's just never enough is it? I'm never enough..." Your voice was a mere whisper, but your blubbering sobs were enough to wake the dead, as bitter tears poured from your eyes, and your shoulders shook with each agonized whimper your abused heart let out.

And I couldn't help but feel a little guilty for it.

For, although Alfred has always been more noticeable (and louder) than I, it doesn't mean that he was the most popular, or got the most attention.

For example, when were in band as teens, I was always in first chair while he was in second. Then, in choir, I was picked to be in the competition ensembles, and although we both got solos, it was I who brought home the trophy, while he the metal. Even in sports I excelled!

The football coach for Alfred's team feared that his strength would severely lacerate someone, so he was put as kicker. And although Alfred never missed a field goal, he wasn't as remembered as the quarterback or the team captain. In turn Arthur and Francis would rather come to my hockey games simply because I was playing more, and was renowned for my rapid shots and aggressive defence. It was always, " _Did you see Matthew make that shot_!" or, " _There's no way the other team's gonna win with Matthew on the ice_!"

But what about Alfred? What about him when his team won after a long fought battle in the rain? What about when the game was tied, and it was Alfred's field goal that gave the home team the win?

Well, it never mattered, because we weren't ever there to see it. So when we went out for ice cream after a big win it was always for me. Never for him. And no wonder he's been pushing himself now! No wonder he craves approval by our papas! We never gave him the proper attention he deserved, and now he's desperately trying to make up for it by denying his body basic needs so he can work on his schooling!

And I his twin, his right hand man, never noticed this agony until now. I, who promised to always be there for him, unknowingly distanced ourselves as I soaked in the light of my victories.

Yes, I was definitely feeling remorse crush down upon my shoulders now.

"Oh Alfred..." I whispered then, as you whimpered with agony into your hands, and I gently wrapped my arms around you. You trembled at my touch, and your cries turned into wretched sobs, as your hands clutched at my shirt, and I cursed myself silently- for how could I miss this! How could I miss these poisonous thoughts that were brewing in Alfred's mind! How could I miss the hushed torture my brother was putting himself through! God, it's almost sad how painfully oblivious I've been! But that doesn't mean I didn't have time to fix my mistake, or at least mend what I could from the broken pieces.

"Alfie," your name trembled past my lips, as I gently (and apologetically) squeezed you, "I'm so sorry... I never meant for this to happen." At that you sniffled, and I could feel your grip on my shirt tighten further as I continued. "And I'm sorry that I never noticed until now, but you don't have to do this to yourself to receive their approval! We love you Alfred. I love you! You do know that... Don't you?"

It hurt me to ask such a question- to have the idea that my own brother felt unloved and discarded by those whom he counted on so dearly. But the silence felt even worse. It borrowed into my heart, and punctured it open in such a way that I thought I'd start to physically bleed.

But of course I didn't… the only thing to drain from me were the tears that beaded in my eyes, and splattered against the top of your head like rain. And I, for the life of me could only tighten my grip around you, as I sobbed with trembling words of regret, and apologies, and love that should've been spoken long ago.

What a brother I was eh? But no more. From here on I swore to myself I would try harder to include Alfred, and make sure that this history doesn't repeat itself. This was a matter of family after all, and being Alfred's instant relative meant that it was up to me to insure that this folly creased. Although I'd be sure to contact Arthur and Francis later for additional support. They had an ample hand in this too, and I'll personally spur a thorough apology out of them. But until then, this was my time.

"Alfred." I began, as I ran my fingers through your golden locks. "I know that whatever I say won't fix the past, but I just want you to know that I've always been proud to call you my brother. In fact, when we were in grade school I used to point you out to my friends and tell them of all the great things you've done for me growing up. And why wouldn't I? You're compassionate, intelligent, innovative and zealous- you're so many wondrous things Alfred! Oh the list could go on and on about your admiring qualities!" I explained, hoping that my words were soaking in. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I made you feel anything less than practical... but I want you to know that I never meant to separate you, or hurt you, or make you feel like you have to strain yourself just to be accepted." My voice was nothing more than a meek whisper by this point, as the jagged spear of grief skewered my heart. For although my voice was strong, I could feel the salty tears that welled up in my eyes. I just felt so godawful! And the silence between us was like an immense weight splitting across my shoulders- I couldn't help but silently beg for you to say something, anything to break this appalling silence! Although, when you did speak, it wasn't what I was expecting.

"I forgive you." You spoke it in a silent voice, no more than a mutter, and yet still it made my eyes widen to dinner plates.

"Alfred," my voice was laced with disbelief, "I don't deserve your forgiveness! Please, you don't have to do this because-."

"I'm not doing it because I _have_ too," you interrupted me with a stern voice, "I'm doing this because I _want_ too. Because if I don't, then it'll only hurt you more, and I know what it's like to be brimming with guilt. I know the feeling of being sorry without forgiveness, and I don't want you to have that over your head. So I forgive you. After all, I doubt you'll be ignoring me anymore huh?" You said with a chuckle. "Man, there goes all my me time hours- you're gonna be my shadow now aren't you?~" Now it was my turn to laugh as I gave you a loving squeeze.

"That's right Alfie, no more screaming at your video games alone."

"Hey, I don't scream!" You said then defensively, as your lustrous, sapphire eyes glittered with new life."I just give them encouragement~."

"Mhmm~." I tisked then, with a snort. "And does that 'encouragement' include shattering your controller against the wall?"

"Hey that only happened once!.. Errr...maybe twice." You shot back, before we filled the room with our laughter and playful banter. Our ecstatic voices echoed off the walls, and our smiles were broad and cheerful, as we threw sound words at one another, and the once forlorn atmosphere around us fled. Yes, it seemed the conflict from before was now a distant memory, as our chortles calmed to giggles, and we sighed as our sides dimmed from their ache.

"Thank you Alfred," I said then, as I ran my fingers through your cottony locks, "I know this must've been difficult to talk about, but I'm glad you told me." At that you snorted, and you made a sound from the back of your throat that I could only interpret as a chortle.

"Yeah well it's not like you gave me a choice, and besides, I'll always be here for you Mattie- no matter what! After all, it's my job as a hero to make you happy!"

"I love you~."

 **And true to my word, I made sure to include Alfred more, keeping him close and talking to him about whatever came to mind. And in turn, I saw how Alfred's smiles grew brighter and his laughs louder. We grew closer, and the once thick tension between us died away as our grades soared! We flew to the top of our classes, and passed each semester with flying colors! Yes we truly had the world at our fingertips, and nothing dared stop us as we made our way to graduation!** **Until I fell ill that is...**

 **•oŌo•**

The pencil in my hand marked against my assignment, as I took in a wavering breath through trembling lips. It was so irritating- trying to focus on this paper. My chest was throbbing, my head was numbed, I felt... tipsy and yet all I've been doing is working! But maybe that's why I'm feeling unwell. Maybe I've been pushing myself a little too hard, but surely not. I've been getting my rest and eating my meals- watching hockey when it's on. I've been relaxing and taking it easy, and yet my illness is still too apparent. My distraught classmates offered to do my notes, and escort me to my next classes. Ivan took my temperature time and time again, before he would whip together a scrumptious meal, and send me off to bed with a tender kiss and a 'get better soon.' And Alfred's been all but smothering! He's made me take pain and cough medicine. Kept me away from my classes so I can gain extra sleep. He even took me to the hospital to get me checked up, and now I have to take a prescription every time I eat dinner! Although said pills aren't really helping, if anything I fear they're making me worse! But I don't wanna tell that to Alfred for he'd panic for sure! And he has enough on his plate as is...

"Hey Mattie?"

And speaking of.

I turned in my chair, and forced a thin smile as you stood in my doorway- cradling a bowl of steaming soup, and my bottle of (allegedly) sedating pills. I couldn't help but snarl at the prescription, but it was out of silent fury as your worried grin lit up the room, and you placed the meal next to me. It's scent was mouthwatering, and the bubbling broth was inviting me to devour it on the spot! And oh I was tempted to do just that- to fill my starving belly and ravenously consume the delicious meal… Too bad my stomach flipped at the sight however.

"Ah, merci Alfred~." I thanked in a soft tone, as I brought a spoonful of the steaming liquid to my lips. The taste was as good as the smell, and made my tongue tingle with pleasure as it ran down my throat hotly. Oh it was utterly bursting with scrumptious flavors, and (I must admit) I hadn't exactly eaten anything all day... and yet my stomach still lurched as it was fed, as if angry to be disturbed. I put the spoon back down at that, and watched it disappear under the broth- I didn't want to vomit up stomach acid after all, although your sorrowful gaze was enough to make me gag on guilt.

"Not hungry again huh?" Your voice was sickeningly soft, as if you were afraid to ask. "Well that's okay, there's always another time to eat- just don't push yourself okay?~" And then you were laughing the same way you do when you're uncomfortable, or trying to break a silence- loud and ringing. I could only smile a little wider, and hide my misery a little deeper.

"Ah yeah, maybe at breakfast tomorrow~..." I said with fake cheer, as I hesitatingly grabbed the bottle of pills, and proceeded to take two. I knew if I didn't you'd be on my tail about it, and with my head a mess and my nerves shot, I didn't have the patience to deal with your overprotectiveness. So down my maw the cobalt pellets went- clawing at my throat irritatingly as they did. I had to choke back a gag to keep them from wretching back up, and took a swig of the soup, trusting it would help comfort my upset gut.

It did, but it didn't help the fact that your sapphire eyes were piercing into my form. I could almost taste the anxiety that was radiating off your body, and yet I ignored it, as I forced a weak smile to spread across my pasty lips. You didn't fall for it however, as your eyes flickered with a dying flame- drowned with worry. My smile wavered at that, and I tried to laugh, tried to mask the dread that dangled over our heads like an ominous smog… and yet the laugh caught in my throat, and ended up coming out as a gruff cough. It rattled my lungs sorely, and captured my breath, causing me to wheeze and clutch at my chest. A searing fire seemed to be blossoming around my heart, for the fingers of agony caressed my being with tender touches of torment. I gasped at such an agonizing feeling, and curled in on myself with a mournful whimper. Next to me, I felt you leap into action- your sturdy hands holding me up, as your voice fractured with dismay.

"Matthew! Matthew are you okay!?" I didn't answer, or more over I couldn't. A pulverizing pain was aflame within my ribs, and advancing along my left arm- devouring it with a fiery agony. My throat clamped up, and I could feel a knife carving into my abdomen- slicing deep into my flesh and leaving behind a molten sting. I could only whimper pathetically, and reach out a trembling hand to clasp onto your shirt, treating it like my lifeline.

A lifeline I had no idea I needed so badly during that time.

"A-Alfie!..." I managed to wheeze out with a distressed gasp, as I stumbled into you- knocking the bowl of soup over onto the floor that clattered with a wet splash. I heard you curse at this Alfred (mostly because some of the scalding meal had splattered against your pant leg), but the sound was obscured behind the growing ring that shrieked in my ears. It started off as an irritating buzz, but then it expanded and sharpened, and clawed at my brain. Waves of agony washed up and down my spine, and I tried so desperately to pull away from it. To flee from the pain was all I wanted! To feel this ravenous fire be quenched! And yet your hands held me closer- trying to comfort me as hot tears splattered against my face. I could only faintly see the hysteria and despair in your sapphire eyes, as you reached for a phone and spoke into it rapidly. Your lips moved in a blur and I could vaguely hear a few words... ambulance was one of them, as well as a few to describe my state...

Pasty skin. Dead, glassy eyes. Slick with sweat and with an abnormal heartbeat and respiration rate... Ugh, I sounded like a mess, and if I could I would've laughed at how motherly you were acting Alfred, but the fire that was burning within my chest was now wriggling between my shoulder blades and along my jaw- silencing me as the pain seeped into my teeth, and scorched my tongue with a molten inferno. I wanted to gasp, to make some sort of sound or movement to display my suffering, but no sound escaped my tightly pinched lips, and my body felt heavy and numb. I didn't even realise I had put all my weight on you Alfred, not that it mattered to you of course- with your strength I was sure I weighed no more than a feather.

"Mattie... the.. here... hold..." Your voice came and went through my ears like a wave lapping at the shore line, and I could only arch a brow in confusion as the words swirled together, and a inky smog began to grow around my vision. Colors drained away to black and white. Shapes melted together to form bubbling amalgamations. Black wisps danced around like ribbons in the wind... and I felt you shaking me Alfred. I felt the way your hands gripped my arms desperately. I felt the wind slash against my skin as you ran outside. I heard you wailing for help, begging and beseeching for anyone to listen...

And then there was nothingness- a consuming, black void of frigid dreaming, as the smog consumed my vision, and lulled me into unconsciousness.

And after that? Well... I can't really remember between my slips in and out of reality. The ambulance must of came however, for when I came to I was in a hospital bed, surrounded by bleach white walls and frigid, beeping machines. The lights were glaring, and the space reeked of rancid chemicals and hairspray. (Although a beautiful vase of warm sunflowers sat at my bedside.) Oh I hated it- I've only just woken up and I already despised it, but then again, did anyone really like the hospital?

"Matthieu!" My head snapped up at that familiar voice, and before my eyes was Francis and Arthur- there smiles wide and their eyes misting with relief and happiness. I couldn't stop the tears myself as they ran to embrace me- their familiar arms enclosing me in a loving shield. "Matthieu, oh we were so worried!" Francis blubbered, as he frantically wiped away the tears which dripped upon my thin nightgown. "Alfred called us in the middle of the night and told us what happened! Mon dieu, I was afraid you'd never wake up!" The Frenchman exclaimed, as Arthur simply took my hand, and held it like he'd never be able to hold it again. This however, just managed to shoot confusion into my heart, as I licked my chapped lips.

"Papa..." My voice cracked notably do to its misuse- I cleared my throat and tried again. "Papa, how long have I been asleep?" At that I saw the light in both of my papa's eyes flicker with a heavy sorrow, and at first I feared they wouldn't answer me. But with an exhausted sigh from Arthur, his emerald orbs met mine, and he answered with a voice no more than a whisper.

"Matthew," he began, "you've been unconscious for nearly three weeks." And at that my eyes widened, and my breath caught in my throat. Three weeks?! What about my college classes? My assignments and projects! Surely my grades must be suffering greatly due to this unforeseen circumstance! Francis must of sensed my distress, for he smiled at me softly and ran a hand through my slovenly, golden locks.

"Ah, do not worry mon chéri," he cooed, "your brother has taken it upon himself to handle all of your schooling problems, and they've agreed with Alfred to set aside some extra time for you once you're well~. They don't want you to fall behind as much as you it seems~." The Frenchman hummed, as I nodded slowly. Alfred had done all that for me? But what about his own classes? Knowing him he's been in this room every day and for as long as they'll allow- I hope he hasn't fallen behind on his own schooling, and yet the gesture itself was truly heartwarming. Oh I just couldn't be mad!

"Little Matvie?"

A new voice. A familiar voice that was paired with a thick Russian accent.

I turned my attention away from my papa's then, and was greeted by the sight of Ivan standing in the doorway- a gorgeous bouquet of vibrant sunflower clutched in his hands. His orchid eyes looked full of disbelief, happiness, and the tears that I knew he was biting back. I smiled at him and beckoned him over, and in a flash he was at my side and enveloping me in a joyous hug. And oh! Although this moment was truly a welcome one, I couldn't help but feel a pool of dread and uncertainty build up within me- chewing away at my conscious.

"Papa..." I spoke once Ivan had pulled away, although my voice was still nothing more than a whisper. "What happened to me on that night?"

And I was met by silence.

It hung in the air like a thick haze, and choked me as if the very room was filled with a cloud of suffocating smog. I had to swallow thickly to avoid coughing on the imaginary fog, and watched as Arthur, Francis, and Ivan shared glimpses of uncertainty. They didn't want to tell me. I could see it in their eyes that they wanted to bite back the answer, and keep it pinned under lock and key… but I deserved to know. I _had_ to know! And they knew that as well.

"Matthieu..." Francis's voice was weak, and I could see a fresh layer of tears glittering in his eyes. "You..."

 _"You had a heart attack."_


	2. The During

_~VVV~_

 _When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching- they are your family._

 _~VVV~_

 **And with those few words, I felt my entire world flip. For what was I meant to say to that? 'Oh, just a heart attack? I have one of those every other Tuesday!~ Lols!' (ﾉヮ)ﾉ:･ﾟ Haha, yeah no~... But maybe no words was the best reaction. The silence gave me time to wrap my head around it. Gave me time to ask why, and think of the repercussions. Although sometimes my anxious and terrified thoughts would leave me spiraling into panic attacks. My heart would race. My hands would tremble and feel numb. My breathing would become erratic and my lungs would burn… Thankfully however, it wasn't always like this. Most of the time I had you to keep me company, and out of my thoughts Alfred. You'd visit every chance you got, and would stay until you near got kicked out! I didn't mind of course, and although the staff was happy I had a distraction from my grim reality, there were times we accidentally stirred up trouble…**

 **•oŌo•**

My heart monitor was the only sound in the stuffy room, as I stared up at the ceiling, and counted the spider web like cracks that marked it. One. Two. Three and four. Five, six and seven... there were about thirty really, and I knew this because I had counted them several, several times before. And yes, I knew it was boring, but it was all I could do! Sure I had a t.v., but nothing interesting is ever on, and although Arthur brings me books, I quickly blow through them all! Even the Tetris games that Ivan presents me with don't help, for you can only play the same levels so many times over. It was just an endless cycle of dull it seemed, and I had to either sleep through it, or find something to occupy my time. Which included counting the cracks upon the ceiling.

I sighed now at that, and ran a hand through my golden hair. I hated just laying in bed...I wanted to get up and move! I wanted to stretch and run and jump! I wanted to get my blood racing and my heart pumping! Too bad I couldn't since the doctors still don't know exactly what's wrong with me, but even then, if I do get the chance to get out of bed, I'm stuck in a damn wheelchair!

"Ugh, I swear I'm gonna gain an additional twenty pounds by the time I'm out of here..." I mumbled angrily to myself, as I flexed my arm- trying to judge if my (already frail) muscles had shrunk.

"Nah, I'd say you'd only put on fifteen~."

"Ah, Alfred!"

I jumped in my bed, and was met by shimmering, sapphire eyes and a warm smile. I didn't even hear you come in! But then again, being lost in your thoughts can do that to you. I just wish you hadn't of walked in on me talking to myself like some deranged fool Alfred… albeit you didn't seem to mind much as you plopped down upon the bed next to me, and gently patted my shoulder.

"C'mon bro, you really shouldn't be worried about your weight at a time like this. I certainly ain't!~" You cooed with a hearty laugh that echoed in the room, and drowned out the depressive beeping of the monitor. I only smirked at it however, and reached out a hand to grab at your stomach- pinching the squishy flab that was hidden behind your shirt.

"Yeah I can tell eh, although that doesn't mean you should still gorge yourself." I said matter- of-factly, as you jumped back with a bright blush coating your cheeks.

"H-Hey," you stuttered with embarrassment, "I'm not gorging myself! And besides, Kiku says he likes my belly, so nah!" You shot back, as you stuck out your tongue childishly, and hugged your middle. I smiled and rolled my eyes at it, then laid back in my bed with a 'flop' of the sheets.

"Yeah well, at least you can work it off. I haven't been able to use my legs since I got here! Ugh.. I feel so fat..." I whined, as I poked at my belly. My finger sunk in, and I snatched my digit back as if I had been burned. Great, maybe instead of twenty pounds I'll slip on an extra thirty. You must of been in my thoughts Alfred, for you gave my tummy an appeasing pat. "You know, I think I know exactly what you need Mattie." You chuckled then cheerfully with a twinkle in your eye, and yet before I could ask you what that meant you were springing out of the room, and racing down the hall. I had to admit I was rather confused, but the thought of doing something new was exciting! Hell, if I could just get out of this room for a few minutes I'd be set for the rest of the week! Maybe you'd even let me walk around a bit Alfred!~

But then you came back with a wheelchair.

My heart sunk at that, but your laugh lifted the atmosphere as your golden hair happily bounced against your face. "Ah come on bro, why the long face?" You asked, as you unhooked me from the bed and helped me into the frigid, leather chair. "You're getting out of the bedroom aren't you?" I snorted at that, and crossed my arms with an unamused look.

"Yeah I guess so, but I was hoping you'd give me some special treatment..." I muttered with a pout, as you pushed me out of the room and down the hall- the wheels squeaking softly as they rolled against the polished tile.

"Haha, yeah sorry Mattie. Believe me, I'd love to let you run around and go outside, but I gotta listen to the doctor, which means you gotta stay in the wheelchair for now. 'No strenuous actions' remember?" You asked, as you ruffled my hair a bit. I scowled at that, and hurled my hands up in the air.

"But it's just walking! It's not like I'm running a marathon!" I exclaimed bitterly, as above me, you gave a snort.

"Maybe so, but you've also suffered some breathing problems and chest pain by just laying in bed. The doctors just wanna make sure that you don't do anything to trigger another..."

 _Heart attack._

The words weren't spoken, but they lingered in the air, and fell of your tongue that was saturated with anguish. I had to bite back a sigh at that, and clenched at the armrests of the wheelchair. I really hated those two words, for every since they were spoken everyone's been treating me like a child! Especially Arthur and Francis…. They run to my every need. Soak in my every word. They always sit just a little too close, and smile just a little too bright, as if forcing happiness around me to spare my feelings. Even Ivan has been smothering me in his own ways! He brings me a fresh bouquet of sunflowers every time he visits. His kisses are longer. His hugs are tighter. His words sugary and smooth, and although he tries not to, sometimes when we're together he'll break down in tears, and hold me close, whispering to me that he loves me over and over and over again. He's scared, and deep down so am I. But...that didn't mean I wanted their pity. I still wanted to be treated like normal even if this was happening. I didn't want their sad eyes to linger over my skin. I didn't want their soft voices, as if they were comforting a small child… but their actions weren't something I could stop, and so on the sympathy went, making me feel rather helpless…

"Okay bro, here we are!~" Your chirpy voice pulled me out of my depressive thoughts, as the warmth of the sun kissed my frigid skin.

But wait… sun?

My attention was turned upwards now, to find myself in a greenhouse that was connected to the hospital. There was a lone tree in the corner, surrounded by blooming tulips and roses. Benches and chairs sat proudly by the glass dome that encased the space. A koi pond bubbled towards the center in which small children looked in with fascinated eyes- their forms crouched in the lush, soft grass. And oh how sweet the air smelled! How perfect the sun was against my skin that has been deprived of vitamin D! How beautiful the clouds looked beyond the glass, floating by like fluffy pillows~. It was perfect, more than I could ask for.

"Alfred," my voice was soft as you took my hand, helping me stand from the wheelchair, "I didn't know this was here." My voice must of been filled with awe, for you smiled blindingly, and gave a low chuckle.

"Yeah? Well, I didn't either until I overheard some of the nurses talking about it. Apparently it's for the kids and elderly, but I figured they wouldn't mind you being here. After all, you've been cooped up in that little room for so long now, and technically you're not outside so we're not breaking any rules either~." You hummed proudly, clearly happy with yourself that you had found a loophole in the doctor's orders. And I? Well I was overjoyed~.

I was finally on my feet, and although I was a little wobbly, the grass beneath my toes was a welcome change, as you helped me wander my way around. It just felt so good to be using my muscles again! I stretched my arms towards the sky and stood on my tiptoes to get closer, as I smiled happily at the sun. I skipped and padded around the proud oak tree, and bent down to take in the sugary scent of the flowers. I even got in a small game of hide and seek with some of the kids, causing our mixing laughter to ring in the air, as the breeze whipped through my hair, and the waving leaves made the sunlight dance across my skin. And all the while you were right by my side Alfred, matching me step for step as we walked around the koi pond, and entertained the kids with stories of things we learned in our classes in college. You talked of the planets far above our heads, and would fascinate the youth by telling the history of the different constellations and star clusters. And I would talk about the deep oceans below, and the wonders that we had yet to find beneath the beautiful reefs bursting with untamed life~.

In all honesty, that day was the most fun I've ever had at that stuffy hospital, and as the excitement finally died down, and the children went back in, we relaxed under the shade of the tree with our backs resting against its gnarled trunk.

"Thanks for letting me out here Alfred," I cooed then, as I turned to you with a smile, "and giving me that 'special treatment' you said I couldn't have~." I teased, causing you to scoff and roll your eyes playfully.

"I don't know what you're talking about Mattie, besides it's just walking! It's not like you were running a marathon~." You mimicked with a wink, your smile wide and secretive. At that I only laughed, the sound echoing around us, before giving a content sigh. We had been out here for a good while now, for the roads beyond the hospital were starting to quiet down, making the faint chirping of the birds louder, as we laid back in the soft grass, but soon it was your voice that was overtaking all the sounds as you sighed softly.

"So," you began, your voice shaky as if you weren't sure what to say, "how uhh...have you been feeling?" At that I shrugged, my eyes still trained on the sky above through the holes in the canopy.

"Fine I guess. I mean...sure I know I'm not 100 percent, but I don't feel sick you know?" I asked in a soft voice, in which you only nodded slowly at.

"Yeah… I-I get it." You whispered, your voice faint, as you turned your face up to the sky as well. This however only unsettled me as I turned to look at you, and sure enough I could see unshed tears glittering in your eyes as you bit at your bottom lip, as if trying to contain your sobs.

"Alfred-."

"Yeah I know." You interrupted, scrubbing at your eyes as you chuckled sadly. "I shouldn't be crying, because I know it's the last thing you want us all to do, but Matthew... " You looked at me then, a smile on your face even though your eyes were dripping with tears. "I'm so _scared_ … I'm scared that I might lose you, that I'll have to watch my little brother be put in the ground… and I know that the others fear the same, and I know they've been smothering, but they're just frightened to you know? A-And I'm sorry that you have to see me like _this_. I've been trying to stay strong for you, I really have but.…" You didn't go any further, as your sobs overtook your voice, and your shoulders shook violently with sorrowful tremors. Your sapphire eyes were now overflowing with tears that rolled down your cheeks and splattered in your hands. You were trying to wipe them away, trying to scrub at your eyes to get them to stop, and yet, as you did, the tears only seemed to come down faster, leaving glimmering trail marks along your face.

And I wasn't sure what to say.

Sure I've stepped up and comforted you before Alfred, but this… this was something I knew would haunt you until it's over. This wasn't something you could just talk though, because the fear will always linger over your head like a crushing weight. It'll always be floating in the back of your mind, whispering the worst. However, that didn't mean I wasn't about try and take some of that fear away.

"Alfred, c'mere..." I whispered then softly, as I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around you. You instantly leaned into my chest and gripped my shirt that you saturated with fearful tears. Your fingers nearly ripped the fabric as you held me close, and cried messily, your broken sobs only shared by your sniffling nose. I could only pet your head, by fingers running through your golden locks as I embraced you warmly. "Hey," I whispered then, my chin resting upon your crown, "it's going to be okay. I know times are scary, but I'm going to be alright."

"You don't know that Mattie." You mumbled back pitifully. "You don't know what's going to happen...what if you get worse? What if you have another heart attack? Oh God what if they diagnose you with cancer!?" Your voice grew louder and more panicked as you spoke, and along with it your grip on me tightened, as if you were frightened I would turn to dust and be gone to the wind. As if you were the only thing keeping me together. I sighed at that, and continued to pet your hair soothingly, my fingertips tracing along your scalp.

"Alfred, I know you're scared. I'm scared too." I whispered softly, as I rocked us back and forth. "But please, you can't think such thoughts. Granted yes, we don't know what going to happen, but that doesn't mean the worst will occur. We just have to keep our chins up and bear it as it comes." At that you sniffled again loudly, as your shoulders trembled.

"But what if the worst _does_ happen?" Your voice was somber as you asked this, and I knew that if you looked up now your eyes would be murky with despair. "What if… What if…."

"The 'what ifs' don't matter Alfie." I interrupted, planting a silencing kiss against the top of your head. "And you know why? Because no matter what they tell me I have or don't have, I will battle it, just like the countless number of brave people before me." My voice was a whisper as I spoke, but still I kept going as I tried to bite back my own emotional tears. "And yes, I know it won't be easy. I know that there will be days when I feel helpless and that my struggles are just a hopeless endeavor, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna give up. I have hopes and dreams Alfred, I've come so far already! I won't let whatever this is stop me." At that you finally looked up to meet my gaze, albeit your eyes were red and puffy from the tears that left tracks against your rosy cheeks.

"You promise?" Your voice cracked through the question, and yet your grip upon my shirt remained strong. "You promise that you're gonna be okay through this? There could be tests and exams and crazy medications-."

"Then I shall go through them all." I smiled confidently, glad to see that you had at least stopped crying. "I swear it to you Alfred, whatever happens I'll try my hardest to stay strong, but I think I'll be even better if I have my hero by my side to support me." I cooed then, making a small smile flash across your features.

"Y-Yeah?" You stuttered, as you wiped at your eyes. "Well of course I'll be here for you! There's no way I'd let my precious little brother go through these scary times alone! What kind of hero would I be then?~" You boasted, your sapphire eyes now twinkling with determination instead of the salty tears that stained your cheeks. However, at this your voice dropped, catching me by surprise as your attitude suddenly became serious. "But...in all honesty," you mumbled, "I'd do anything to make sure you get through this. Even if I have to stay up all night to stay at your side. Even if I have to oversee every paper signed, and come here to see you every day. I'll do it, because you mean so much to me Mattie. You're my little brother, my partner in crime, and if this world was to take you…." Your voice cracked again, and for a moment there I thought you'd break down in tears once more, but you bit your lip and took in a shaky breath, keeping your sobs contained. "I-I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm here for you Mattie, no matter what. After all, it's my job as a hero to make you happy!~

"I love-."

"Ah, there you two are!" Your words were interrupted Alfred, as a very annoyed looking nurse came running over to us, her face flushed as if she had been running. "Do you have any idea how worried we've been!? The doctors were considering calling the police because you suddenly showed up missing! And you!" She was turning to you then Alfred, her hazel eyes ablaze with fury, albeit her voice softened when she saw your tear-stained face. "You should know better then to keep him away from his room for so long! I know he's your brother, but he's still a patient at this hospital, and he has medication he needs to take at certain times. Now, let's get you two back right away before your father's sue us." She ordered, as she grabbed my wheelchair and helped me crawl back into it. I had to bite back a scorning look at that, but allowed her to push me back as you followed behind like a kicked puppy, your eyes downcast. I had to admit, I wanted to say a few choice words at that, but held my tongue as the squeaky sounds of the wheels overtook the surrounding sounds. We were having a moment after all! Brother bonding time! And the stupid staff had to go and ruin it, although as much as I'd hate to say it, it's good we returned when we did, for as soon as me and Alfred stepped in the room Francis and Arthur were aflutter with questions and relieved embraces. They hugged us, then scolded us, and hugged us again as their words rushed and melted together out of their own worry and relief.

"Mon dieu, do you two have any idea how worried we were?!"

"You should know better than to just up and leave! Bloody hell we were about to call the police!"

"Oui, but we're still so happy you're okay!" They exclaimed, as I was put back into bed, and Alfred took the seat next to me. Geez, I didn't think we were gone _that long_. But then again, the sun had started to go down so we must've been out there for a few hours, if not the entire afternoon! But hey, in our defense, if this place wasn't acting like such a prison we would've been back sooner and none of this would be a problem. So really, this is the hospital's fault and they just don't want to admit it...

"Ah, so there you are. Finally decided to come back to your room aru?" The air fell silent then as the doctor wandered into the room, his smile patient, albeit one could clearly see the annoyance in his sharp, hazel eyes. At that Arthur spoke up, his own expression a bit grim, yet apologetic.

"Yes, Dr. Yao. I'd like to apologize on their, and my behalf. I'm sure they didn't mean to cause trouble, right boys?" The Brit asked, turning to us with a stern look. At that both me and Alfred piped up, our voices soft and biting back our own irritation.

"Yes, we're sorry. We really did mean to be back sooner. Time just got away…"

"It was my idea anyway, so punish me if you must." Alfred said, and by the look Arthur was having you he just might, but the doctor simply sighed and ran a hand through his long, chocolate hair.

"Ah, there is no need for that, I'm sure you won't be doing it again. And besides, there are more… _pressing_ matters to attend to." Dr. Yao informed, his voice grim and causing a dour sense of brooding to choke the room.

"Oh well… let's hear it then shall we." Arthur's voice came through the haze then, but it was frightened. The Englishman tried to hide it, he tried to clear his throat, and wipe his brow to keep his demeanor intact, but the terror was unmistakable- the dread as to what could be. Even Dr. Yao could sense it, for his eyes became sympathetic, like he was going to comfort a crying child.

"Well Matthew, your blood and DNA tests finally came through, and although the news isn't as detrimental as it could be, there is still some good and bad news." He said, as he flipped through a few pages on his clipboard, and scanned over the words with a thoughtful hum. "The good news is that that 'heart attack' you had a few weeks ago wasn't a heart attack at all. In fact, by what the data is showing you fell into Cardiac Arrest, and it was the pain as well as the shock, that caused you to fall unconscious. Your brother's fast action, however, is what saved you from getting any major damage to your brain, and that's why we believe you didn't fall into a coma, or have any memory loss." Dr. Yao hummed, keeping his voice light in hopes to lift the cloud of lingering defeat that hung over the room. However, when Francis piped up next, said cloud only seemed to grow more suffocating.

"Cardiac Arrest? But, isn't that relatively rare in people as young as mon fils here?" The Frenchman asked, as he waved a concerned hand in my direction. At that Dr. Yao sighed, and ran his fingers through his ponytail, as if he was trying to find the right words to say next.

"Well, yes actually. The chance of someone as young as Matthew falling into Cardiac Arrest is one in 100,000. However, that's where the bad news comes in…" There was a brief pause then, and the entire room seemed to take in a breath of anticipation as Yao set his clipboard down, and his hazel eyes crystallized with knowledge. "Matthew, the reason you had a sudden arrest was because you have Congenital Heart Disease, which is a birth defect that can affect the heart's shape, how it works or both. Now, we believe that you have holes between your chamber partitions, which can cause you to have leaky valves and internal bleeding, but we'll have to run a few MRI scans to be certain…" Dr. Yaos voice trailed away into nothing then, as he allowed his words to settle and process within our heads. But my mind was racing.

I had a heart disease… a defect that has been festering inside of me my whole life like a lethal plague. And one that has been perfectly dormant up until this point. Perfectly silent. Perfectly undetectable.

But what now? Now that it's been discovered, what did that mean? Was it going to leave me hooked up to wires and tubes for the rest of my life? Was it even curable? Was it going to kill me? Francis must've been in my head, for he was speaking up then, albeit his voice cracked from the fear he was hiding.

"Well, is there anything we can do for Matthew? Any medications or procedures?" Heh, a better way for asking if there was anything left for me, but at least the questions brought some hope. Hope that there was a cure, or anyway to fix it. And maybe that's what we all needed, what Alfred needed… for, although he was trying to hide it, I could see the tears he was holding back. I could see the swirling ocean of clashing emotions and questions that was battling within him. He was clinging to whatever he had to keep him from busting out in tears like he did earlier, but of course I kept that to myself.

"Well," Dr. Yao spoke up again then, "we'll have to wait for the MRI scan to accurately determine anything, but with what the data is showing your heart's already too weak to be filling you with the potent medicines you'd need, aru. We're going to have to pin you down for heart surgery, and hope we can fix the problem from there." And then Yao was standing, grabbing his clipboard and turning towards Arthur and Francis who watched with fogged, sorrowful eyes. "I know you two must have many questions, so please, step outside with me in the hall, and I'll explain the financials." And off the three went in mourning silence, leaving only me and Alfred in the room, and as soon as the door clicked shut, the waterworks overflowed.

I watched as fat, muted tears raced down your cheeks and splattered against your lap and fingers, whose knuckles were white as they gripped your pants with crushing might. Your hair covered your eyes, casting a shadow across your features as you sniffled, and your cowlick drooped pathetically. I wanted to say something. I wanted to find the right thing to make you feel better, and yet my own throat was clogged. I was just so… outraged. And worried and horrified and confused. I was bubbling with all these clashing emotions as my mind raced, and I felt my own orbs well with bitter tears. For why, out of everyone on the world, did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? I've always been the good one! The obedient and law abiding one, and yet I'm being threatened with death!? I'm only in my second year of college, I'm still fresh out of home and new to the secrets of the world! So why… why did this happen to me?

I was sniffling then, as my tears raced down my cheeks, and soaked into the sheets of my hospital bed. I was trying to keep myself under control. I was trying not to let my newly found fears consume me, and yet I couldn't stop myself, as my lungs gave a shuddering gasp, and my whispered cries turned into blubbering sobs. The wretched sounds echoed around the room, and rang back in my own ears, making me cry harder, as my voice whimpered and cried out pathetically with sorrowful hiccups. My hands dug into my eyes, as I tried in vein to wipe away the tears that gushed down my cheeks. My legs curled up around me, until I found myself hugging my knees and burying myself away… It just wasn't fair.

"Mattie..." I felt your gentle hand on my back then Alfred, as you carefully pulled me into your chest. I leaned into it, but didn't come out of my feeble position as you rocked us back and forth slowly. "I know.. I know, just let it out okay?" You whispered softly, as I felt your tears splatter against the top of my head. "I know you're frightened Mattie. I know things seem a little hopeless right now, and you're hurting in a way that can't be fixed, but remember your promise okay? For as long as you fight," your voice shook then as you began to soothingly pet my hair, "I'll fight with you. We _all_ will little bro."

Your honey voice was soothing, despite the sorrow that laced it, and as I continued crying my woes out, and I leaned into your gentle touch, I could only nod slowly. After all, you were right Alfred, I couldn't just give up now that the facts were laid down before me, if anything I had to fight harder!

But… at least the fight would be a little easier with you, and our papas, and Ivan to back me up. At least I knew, that through it all, I would never run out of comfort or support.

 **And so began my extended stay at the hospital, and in extension that drab little room. Although, to be honest, my stay in there wasn't as long as it used to be. Dr. Yao, as promised, filtered me through a few MRI scans, and although that meant I could have a bit of freedom, the cold walls of the machine weren't exactly all that comforting. Especially when the damning results came in, and it was confirmed that I had holes in my heart. And you know what that meant? Heart surgery. The news wasn't a shock to say the least, but I could still see the fear in papa Francis and Arthur's eyes. Did they not think I would make it through? Did they believe that something would go wrong? Now yes, these same fears coasted through me as well, and yet there was mourning in their eyes when they would visit me. But it was the complete opposite with you Alfred. You were so relaxed, so at peace with yourself and the world- as if you had made up your mind about every life decision you would ever make, and that calming mood really helped me when I was scared. A feeling that only built as the date of my sugary grew closer and closer… until it finally arrived.**

 **•oŌo•**

My heart monitor beeped unevenly as I sat up in bed, and twirled my thumbs. Today was the day. In just a few hours I would be laid down upon a table and cut into. My life will literally be in someone else's hands, and although I know I shouldn't think about it too much, that thought was frightening nonetheless, and it showed as my heart gave another shuttering jump, causing the heart monitor to cry unhappily.

"Ah, will you shut up!" I hissed then to myself, as my hand clutched at my heart. "This is your fault in the first place. Maybe if you could just be normal, we wouldn't be here." At that my heart gave another jump, as if protesting, before I flopped back down on the bed with a heavy sigh. My nerves were really getting to me- I just couldn't seem to stay still or calm down! I just wanted this to be over with already. I wanted to hit fast forward on life, and wake up once it's done. However, that's not how things work, and now I was going to suffer through these slow, last few hours...

"Ah geez, why the long face bro?~" My head snapped up, and a large smile spread across my lips, as I saw you standing in the doorway with your own wide grin painted across your features. Your hair was messy, as if you had been running, and you carried a windblown bouquet of fresh lilac, but I could care less about all that. You were finally here after all, and fashionably late as always~.

"Oh, well you know," I answered then as you took a seat, and set the flowers upon the small table beside me, "slowly losing my sanity and talking to myself again. Who knows, after this heart surgery you may just have to put me in an insane asylum." I joked, as you smirked and patted my back.

"Aw Mattie, I tried putting you in one of those a long time ago, but even you're too nuts for them~." You cooed, as I playfully punched your arm, and glared with fake malice.

"Yeah? Well The Biggest Loser didn't take you either when I called you in~."

"Why? Because I'm too heroic for their cameras to take?~"

"No, because not even their scale would be able to hold you, and they don't wanna buy a new one~." I cooed with a flick of my wrist, as you clutched your heart, and allowed a false look of pain to write across your face.

"Ah, Mattie you wound me so!" You cried dramatically then with a pout. "How could you say such a thing! To think, my own flesh and blood, betraying me! Oh woe is me!" At that I laughed, then reached over to ruffle your hair- a action you smiled at brightly.

"Aw, you know I'm just kidding Alfie~." I smiled then with a smirk. "You'd only crack the scale~."

"Hey!" You shouted then, before pouncing on me. Your arm wrapped around my neck, and I squeaked with surprise as you began to give me an aggressive noogie. At that I growled playfully, before punching you in your sides and gut, my fists digging in as you yelped and hugged me closer, crushing me against you. "Say mercy!" You demanded then, as you put your finger in your mouth, before bringing it to my ear. I flinched at that, then quickly squirmed away, grabbing my bed pillow and hitting you in the face with it.

"No! You say mercy!" I demanded, as I continued to pelt you with the fluffy bag of feathers. You only grabbed the other however, and began to hit me back, as we both filled the room with happy squeals and deep laughter. Well, until the nurse came in and scolded us that is. Her voice was shrill, and she informed us that we were being too loud, and acting quite irresponsible for "men of our ages." And then she was gone was a slam of the door, while we only turned to one another, and giggled like excited schoolgirls.

"Geez, what a stick in the mud!" You exclaimed then, as you ran a hand through your tasseled, golden locks. "It's like they go out of their way to ruin what little fun we can have here!" At that I made a snorting sound from the back of my throat, as I crossed my arms.

"Yeah? Well the last time we had fun was when you brought be to the outdoor space. Which, by the way, nearly ended up with the authorities being called, and our papa's suing the hospital for losing us. So it's not like you can blame them~." I cooed teasingly, as you rolled your eyes.

"Whatever, they just overreacted." You grumbled with a childlike pout. I only laughed however, and reached over to pat your back.

"Aw, there there~." I hummed. "I won't let the big bad doctor's get you~." My voice was dripping with honey, as my hand gently patted your back like a mother soothing her crying child. You sighed contently at the action, but still shot me a playful look of malice.

"Hey, you're the younger one, I should be comforting you." You said matter of factly, as I snorted and gave your shoulder a light punch.

"You're older by a few minutes. Calm yourself o' high and mighty one~." And then we were laughing once again, the joyous sounds slicing through the silence that suffocated the small room. Although… I had to admit, my laugh sounded a bit off. Sure it still held the same ring to it, but it came off as strained. Forced dare I say, and as our laughs crawled to a stop, you gently bumped me with my shoulder.

"Hey Mattie," your voice was soft as you drew my attention, and our eyes locked, "it's going to be okay." And with those few words, it was like you pulled the switch to open the flood gates.

My lavender eyes welled with fat tears, that raced down my cheeks. My smile morphed into a frown, and my shoulders tensed up as my breathing hitched in my throat...and then I was hugging you. My arms flew around your middle, and before you knew it I was crushing myself against your chest, as I sobbed into your shirt. Frankly, you must've surprised by my own sudden outburst of sorrow, but if you were you said nothing. Instead you only shushed me soothingly as you held me tighter than you ever have before. It was as if you were afraid to let go, fearful that I would shatter to pieces in your lap under the pressure of my fear.

"I know Mattie. I know…" You muttered then, as I blubbered with tears. "I'm scared too, I really am. But it's going to be okay, You're gonna be just fine." You soothed, as your hand gently ran up and down my back. And your words… they it had to be true right? After all, I'm young and healthy, and papa Arthur told me that Dr. Yao himself would be working on me and he's the best surgeon here! But, despite your words, I continued to weep sorrowfully. You frowned at this, then rocked us back and forth slowly- your chin resting on my shoulder as my tears soaked into your shirt. I'm sure you weren't quite sure what to say. I was in distress, and all you could do was whisper to me words of comfort. Your hand continued to run along my back. Your arms looped around me in a hug. We sat there for what felt like forever, and even after my tears had long dried, we sat in silence, just relishing in each other's company. The clock ticked away, and your fingers eventually found themselves in my hair, as you pet my head, and gave me one last squeeze against your chest.

"Mattie," you whispered then softly, as you pulled away, "I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you. You may be young, yes, but you've already accomplished great things, and you're on the road to success! You're really gonna make a difference out there, and you will always have my love and support. I am honored to be able to call you my little brother Matthew, and I want you to know that I'll always be with you~." You informed, your voice ringing with sincerity, as your sapphire eyes gazed into mine.

And it was like you were looking at me for the first time.

Your eyes scanned over my features with unbreakable concentration, as if you were trying to remember my every detail, and when I smiled, you smiled back with your thousand watt grin as you blinked several times. It looked like you were trying to take a picture with your eyes, and I couldn't help but chuckle as I wiped my eyes.

"Alfred, I appreciate your words but, why don't you save it until after my surgery? After all, hearing you talk about how great I am will surely get me to make a speedy recovery~." I chuckled then, in which you laughed at with a soft punch to my shoulder.

"Yeah? Well be careful now, you may end up just as egotistical as Papa Arthur when it comes to 'proper tea'"~. You chuckled, as you then held up an invisible tea cup, and tried out your best British accent. "You call this bloody tea! I've tasted better ocean water than this!" At that I laughed, and held up my own cup with my pinky finger sticking out.

"Um yes sir, I'd like a refund on this tea you gave me. What's wrong with it? Well I believe I ordered Earl Gray not a cup full of water from the latrine!"

"Do you even know how to make tea, cause this is sheer drivel!"

"I could make this better blindfolded! You should be ashamed for spoiling this heavenly elixir!" And then we were filling the room with our howling laughter once more, the sound mixing together and echoing off the walls, as we let our teacups go. Ah, this is certainly the most I've laughed in awhile! If any actually! Since I've got here I've been plagued with worries. Every breath I take, every spoonful of food, every gulp of water I treasure like it's my last. And ever since I learned I'd be going into heart surgery my levels of panic have skyrocketed, as I overthink all the things that could go wrong..

However, with you Alfred, I forgot about all that. The tests, the medicines, the frigid machines, they all seemed to leave my mind in peace, as I was consumed with more nostalgic memories of days past. Memories of parties, sleepovers, and nights of camping surrounding the crackling campfire. Or of blistery afternoons spent in the creek, slinging globs of mud at each other over twig forts. Heh, we always got in so much trouble when we returned home after times like that, and Papa Francis would throw a fit about how our outfits were ruined thanks to the mud and grass stains. But of course we didn't care, and when they would send us off again we would always return to the spots that entertained us the most, with frogs to catch and fireflies to twinkle past our faces. Yes such memories were much better suited at a time like this, and as our howling laughter slowly calmed to giggles, another nurse poked her head through the door and stepped inside.

Uh oh, here comes another lecturing about how we could keep it down. And yet, such words never came, as she gently motioned to me, and Dr. Yao slipped into the room as well. "Matthew, it's time for your surgery aru."

The words were blunt, yet soft spoken. Not like I was surprised of course, after all there's really no way to sugar coat it. However, as soon as the simple sentence was uttered, I felt fear course through my veins. Oh God this was it… but what if something went wrong? What if they cut into something unnecessary? What if they filled me with too much drugs? What if I bled out on the table? What if.. What if…

"Hey Mattie." Your voice cut through my thoughts Alfred, and I turned to see you smiling softly at me, as your hand gently clasped my shoulder supportively. "I know you're frightened, but it's going to be okay. You're going to be just fine right?~" You asked, repeating my words from earlier. At that I smiled softly, and leaned into your touch.

"Yeah, but you promise you'll be here for me once I get out right?" And I was met by silence. It seemed to choke the room, crushing me under its weight, as Yao's and Alfred's eyes met. I could only sit there uncomfortably, and yet, before I could ask what was going on, you were laughing and smiling your thousand watt grin that could melt icebergs.

"Bro, of course I'm still gonna be here! I gotta lot of bragging to do about you afterwards don't I?~" You cooed, as the nurse came over and began to unhook me from the monitor to be shipped off to the other wing of the hospital. However, before she could do so, you were wrapping me in a hug, and placing a soft, lingering kiss against my forehead. "And hey, no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you alright? After all, it's my job as a hero to make you happy!"

"I love you~."

And with that, I was being pushed out of the room and down the long hallways. The lights above me seemed to pass in slow motion, as I was consumed by the squeaking wheels of the bed. _Everything's going to be fine_. _I'm going to be fine_. I repeated the same words in my head over and again, playing them back like a catchy song, as I was brought into a dark room, and gently helped onto a cold steel table. The metal nipped at my bare skin, and as a mask was tightly placed over my mouth, I took a deep breath in hopes to calm my nerves. _It's_ _going_ _to be okay_. _It's going to be okay_ …

And then there was a sharp hissing sound as the potent gases flowed through the mask, and into my lungs, slowly dragging me into the welcome arms of unconsciousness.

And what was the last thing I remember seeing? You may ask. Well, it was the silver gleaming of a long, sharp knife in Dr. Yao's gloved hand, as his eyes hardened with an unreadable emotion, and he lowered the blade to my naked chest...


	3. The After

_~VVV~_

 _Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day… unseen, unheard but always near, still loved still missed, and very dear._

 _~VVV~_

 **The next time my eyes fluttered open, I was gazing up at the ceiling of a new hospital room, made fit with glass walls, and several high tech monitors that I couldn't even begin to explain! I had no idea where I was, and all the tubes and wires coming out of my body didn't help. I looked even worse coming out of my surgery then I did going in! And it definitely gave me cause for concern, as my time after the surgery went a bit… array.**

 **•oŌo•**

The lights above me weren't bright, but absolutely _blinding_. They glared down at me from the snowy white ceiling, and burned my skin, leaving me feeling hot and itchy even from under the protective cover of the hospital blanket. I wanted to move. I wanted to press the call button to see if someone could turn off (or at least dim) the overheads, and yet.. I didn't recognize my surroundings.

Everything was _bigger_ it seemed. The floors spilled out into an ocean of polished marble. The ceiling loomed above like the thick canopy of a forest. Wires and IV's tangled out of me, and to strange beeping machines like a spider's web. I felt utterly trapped, and any movements I did try and make were fruitless, as my limbs lay useless and heavy at my sides like lumps of lead. I was guessing that was because of the drugs I was put under during my surgery, which didn't help my already racing mind.

Where was I? Did the procedure go okay? Was I going to be alright now? The questions drilled holes through my skull, and as the clock slowly ticked on, I managed to struggle my way to a sitting position. And just in the nick of time as well, for the metal door was slowly swinging open with a squeal of the hinges, and revealing a rather relieved looking Dr. Yao. His hazel eyes met mine, and I could practically see a wave of ease simultaneously washing over his form.

"Ah, good you're up!" He exclaimed, as he padded up to my bed, and began to look over the monitors and wires. His fingers ran over the tubes with expert grace, and after a few moments of silence he jotted something down on the clipboard he was carrying, before smiling at me. But it looked… artificial. As if there was an invisible hand that was pulling at Dr. Yao's cheeks. Despite this however, he continued to speak with a chirpy air, as his ponytail flickered over his shoulder with glee. "Well, everything here is normal, which is good. Nonetheless however, you've been asleep for a few days now, and since you're up I need to do a quick check up to make sure that you're healing properly." Yao informed, his clipboard in hand as he brandished his pen, and pointed it in my direction. "Tell me, have you felt any uncomfortable or constricting pain in your chest since you woke up?" I shook my head at that, and Yao continued. "How about any shortness of breath, or signs of fever? Any fatigue?" Again all no's, and Yao seemed more than happy to hear them, as he continued his scribbles on the clipboard, before securing it away. "Alright, well that's all for now. I'll be back later to draw some blood, but other than that-."

"Dr. Yao…" My own raspy voice cut through his own at that, and although I felt a little bad for interrupting, my curiosity was starting to weed itself across my brain. "Am I going to be alright? Did everything go… _accordingly_?"

And I was met by silence.

It was crushing, and the longer it lasted the longer my imagination had time to play a twisted fantasy across my eyes. Yao looked like he was having trouble trying to find the right things to say, and once he did speak his voice left something to be desired.

"Yes Matthew, everything went perfectly fine. The holes have been amended accordingly, and now your heart should be much stronger, and more stable than before aru." Yao was smiling then, his eyes gleaming as he gave my arm a soothing pat. "In fact, you should lead a perfectly normal life now, with some exceptions of the medications you'll have to take."

' _And_... _that's it_? _Then what was that tone_ _for_!' The thought raced through my mind, but I wasn't sure I should ask. After all, I doubted that Yao would lie to me as a patient and paying customer, and who said that he was even upset over the current situation? Sure he may be my doctor, but even he still has a life outside the hospital. And with that in mind, I decided to ask something else.

"So uh… when can I see Papa Francis and the others? Or has visiting hours already passed?" It was an innocent question really, for who could blame me for wanting to see my loved ones after my surgery? They must be worried about me after all! However, the smile on Yao's face dissolved at that, and as he stood, he let loose a soft sigh.

"I am sorry Matthew, but you won't be allowed to have any visitors until you leave ICU. However, I can tell your family that you're awake now if you wish." Yao informed, his artificial smile stretching itself back across his lips. But I wasn't having it, as even more questions now plagued my mind.

I really couldn't see them at all? Did they even know of my current condition? Why was I even in ICU in the first place!?

"Wait Yao!" I had to pull myself out of my thoughts then, to stop the other from leaving the room. The Chinese male already had a foot out the door, and he winced as I halted him, as if cursing his luck for being stopped. "I don't understand. You said the procedure went just fine right? So why can't I see them? I shouldn't even be in here in the first place, I-."

"Matthew." Dr. Yao's voice was sharp enough to cut through the tension in the room, and even I felt myself wince back at it, as his amber eyes locked against the ground. "You're here because we wanted to make sure you had a secure place to take the first steps towards healing. Sure we could've placed you back in your room, but we didn't want to risk your family disturbing the machines. Besides, it's only for a few days." And then, just like that, he was gone. His lab coat fluttered behind him with a ghostly silence, and the metal door shut with a shrill squeak of its hinges.

And I was alone once more, and left with only my swirling thoughts. For sure, Dr. Yao's explanation seemed fair enough but, what was with his attitude? He seemed more guarded than anything, and in the end he couldn't even spare me a glance, as if he was afraid his eyes would give away all the answers I seeked. Which left me to wonder… Did my procedure actually go as well as Yao said, or was my life still on the cusp of crumbling around me?

The question sent fear through my being, causing a raking shiver to peel down my spine, as my heart thumped in my chest. No, surely I would be okay! After all, I had the best doctor working on me, and even now as I calmly sat in bed, I felt... refreshed. Energized even! _Surely_ I had nothing to worry about!

But still... doubt is a hard seed to get rid of, and I could feel it's roots already growing across my head as I stewed in silence. Everything was going to be alright. Right?

 **And the answer? Well… it's complicated. On the bright side however, Yao wasn't lying when he said it would only be for a few days. I went through some tests, and was asked more questions, but in the end I was allowed to go back to my old room within 72 hours. However, just because I was 'better' didn't mean that my woes were over.**

 **•oŌo•**

"You got me a _what_?" My voice dripped with surprise as I sat propped up against the pillows. It had been about a week since I returned to my original room, and so far I had been visited continuously by my papas and Ivan. They hugged me, told me how overjoyed they were to see me, and cried some happy tears… but once the relief had passed and we got got settled in, a tone of seriousness had befallen.

"A Cardiac Rehabilitation Program." Arthur repeated from his seat by my bed. "Look Matthew, I know you already have enough on your plate, but this will help educate you on how to be healthier, so you can recover quicker from your surgery." The Brits voice was soft, like a parent trying to comfort a scared child who was about to receive a shot, but even his familiar, relaxing tone didn't soothe over my frazzled nerves. Another program?! Look, I get that they're my worried and loving parents, but did they really have to do _all_ this for me? It was just a routine surgery (I mean it's not like they're not rare), and I still have a college curriculum to complete! But with all my new lifestyle guidelines, medications, and follow-up appointments it seemed like resuming my classes would be _much_ harder than I thought. And believe me, there was nothing more I wanted to do than protest against these changes that were forced upon me. I had to start a regular exercise routine. I had to practice wearing more sunscreen on hotter days. I needed to watch what I ate and had to cut out many of my favorite, sugary sweets… including my maple syrup intake! I mean, sure I could eat it every now and then, but what kind of breakfast is a breakfast without some fluffy pancakes drowned in that golden river of gooey perfection!? No, I certainly wasn't happy, but I thought twice before expressing my distaste, for my papa's looked simply haggard! Both their clothes were unkempt, and their postures were deflated. Their hair stuck out messily and their skin was pale… but it was their eyes that really gave away their sheer lack of energy. Fogged. Dull. Puffy and red… I was surprised they hadn't keeled over by now, especially since it looked like they had been crying a great deal. But why? Had they really been that worried for me? If so I was better now, really! My heart was thumping powerfully within my chest! It's beat like a soothing rhythm that echoed in my ears!

Nevertheless, I still held my tongue, knowing better than to try and argue. If they got me all these appointments and programs then fine, I'd stick through them. For them, and for Ivan, and for Alfred. Heaven knows I was going to need their support to get me through these trying times, I just hope that it'll be enough, after all I was terribly worried. How would I pay for all this? What if I can't catch up on my college classes? What if all this new stress and worry was too much for my little family? What if it was too much for me?

The questions raked across my skull, and made my head spin painfully as I tried to wrap my thoughts around it all, and make sense from the loose ends piling up around me. And yet my collective thinking was interrupted, when my physical therapist silently walked into the room. Although, it wasn't who you would probably expect it to be. A tall, lean figure with tan skin. Short, chestnut hair and an unruly curl. Sharp, honey eyes and pinched lips. Heh, certainly not the most mild mannered Italian out of the two.

"Well I'll be darned, I would've never guessed that you'd come back after you stated how 'you couldn't stand dealing with all the complaining of the patients.' And besides, throughout high school I remember you going around saying how much you hated working with people~, so I don't understand why you haven't gotten a new job yet." I spoke up then, catching everyone's attention as Romano smirked from behind his clipboard, and waved a dismissive hand.

"Ah, well someone has to take care of you and the others you bastard. And besides, I didn't go through all those years of collage for nothing."

"Yeah well at least your internal dictionary still hasn't changed much~." I shot back, both of us teasing the other as Arthur and Francis watched on with perplexity. Romano however, only let a faint smile pass his lips, before he cleared his throat and allowed his more serious demeanor to fall along his shoulders.

"Yeah well, all joking aside Matthew, it's time for your daily walk." He said bluntly, as he brushed past my papa's to help unhook me from my bed, and lift me up from the mattress. And yes, this was one of the extra things that I was stressed to do. Next to the final tests and programs, Dr. Yao assigned me to the Vargas brother so I can get some strength back, and so my heart can get used to pumping blood through itself properly since the holes were patched up. Not that I was complaining about this one though. I liked being able to walk around and see the other patients. I liked stretching my legs and feeling the sun on my face through the large bay windows.

That, and it gave me another chance to look for Alfred.

I've been out from my surgery for a few weeks now after all, and even with all that time passed I haven't seen him once. He hasn't visited. He hasn't been mentioned. It's like he just.. _vanished_.

Well, sort of.

One day I brought up Alfred to papa Arthur and Francis, but the conversation wasn't one that I enjoyed. It had been raining, and the room was cold and in turn the three of us weren't in the best mood. However, still my mind was racing as to where Alfred was and why he hasn't visited, and the look my papa's shared before speaking unsettled me. "Well Matthew," Arthur began with a slightly wavering voice, "after you went into your surgery Alfred left the hospital wanting to get some lunch."

"Oui" Francis popped up then, smiling gently as he waved his hand in a dismissive manner. "After all you know how he is. He can't go a few days without getting some of those greasy burgers from McDonald's, so he went to get some and promised to be back before you got out. But uh.." There was a silence then, a thick one as I watched my papa's struggle to pull their words together and I sat in the tension, just waiting with bated breath, until finally Arthur spoke up once again.

"Well… on his way back he was in a hurry you see. And wasn't really watching where he was driving when going through an intersection and…"

And that's about as far as it went. Alfred was in a small accident, and since I know that he wouldn't of gone far from the hospital that meant he had to be somewhere here. He had to be in a room on one of these floors.

And I was going to find him.

One so he could see that I was doing okay, and two so I could give him an earful. I mean seriously he went and got in a wreck!? I know that he was wanting to get back and everything, but he still could've been more careful! So you bet he's gonna get my two cents on it, just you wait...

"Matthew!" I jumped, and was pulled from my thoughts as Romano's sharp voice pierced through my memories. Ah, I didn't even realize that he had been talking to me, nor had I noticed that we had already wandered our way down the hallway..

"Oh, sorry Romano, just lost focus is all." I apologized gently, although I'm sure that the Italian knew exactly what I was thinking about. Ever since he was assigned to me I've made it a hobby to end up sneaking away from him so I can search for my twin. From distracting him, to causing a ruckus, to just down right bribing a few of my friends to keep Romano busy- it wouldn't be the first, or the second, or even the third time I've managed to slip away.

And I wasn't going to let him stop me again this time either.

"So Romano, where are we going today?" I asked, my head already churning in ways so I could make my escape. The Italian only waved a dismissive hand at me however, as he helped keep my footing steady.

"Well I figured that I could take you to the greenhouse where the kids and the elderly mainly hang out. After all, I know you've been there once before, and in that more secluded place it should be easier for me to keep you from running off you slippery bastard." Romano informed, his eyes promising to be on me the entire time, although his voice was hearty and playful. Yes the Italian had an interesting vocabulary, but I knew that his threats and nicknames were only half hearted. Nonetheless, Romano was right about one thing- being in that greenhouse would make it more difficult to slip away. There weren't many places to hide after all, and the only thing that could provide some decent cover is the oak tree in the corner, and even then it wouldn't help since it wasn't by the door.

"Matthew!~" Once again I was snapped from my churning thoughts to the sound of my name being ripped through the silence. I turned to Romano, expecting him to be the culprit once more, but was proven wrong as a small boy with robins eggs eyes, and thick eyebrows came bounding towards me.

"Oh, hey Peter~." I greeted happily, as the small boy came running into my arms. We embraced in a quick hug, and then the smaller was taking my hand, and pulling me away from Romano and towards the entrance of the greenhouse. The glass doors were swung open welcomingly, and through the glass of the crystal dome the sun beat down and bathed everything with it's glow. I felt a shiver race down my spine as the chill of the hospital melted away, and the crunch of the artificial grass sounded beneath my feet. The leaves of the tree were rustling. The Koi's in the pond were splashing around. The air was sweet and crisp. And with happy words and a bright smile, Peter lead me over to the tree where an impatient looking Wy was sitting up against the bark. However, once she caught sight of us, her annoyed looked demeanor instantly became that of a scolding adult.

"Peter, what do you think you're doing! You shouldn't be pulling around Matthew like that, it's rude!" She stated, as she pointed an accusing finger at the others nose. In response, Peter only shrugged and adjusted his hat nonchalantly.

"Well he was bound to come over here anyway, I was just giving him a VIP escort~."

"I'd hardly call that an escort." Wy mumbled under her breath, as she rolled her brown eyes dramatically. At that I quickly jumped in, not wanting the two to start a scene, as I sat down to their level and smiled warmly.

"Alright guys, let's not get too worked up eh? Besides I'm just surprised you two are here! Aren't you supposed to be let out today?" At that the two children's eyes lit up, and smiles stretched across their lips in affirmation. The two of them had been here for only a weeks time, but I had quickly made friends with them when we would run into each other while I was walking around. Peter was here simply because he needed his tonsils removed, and he was milking out every moment so he could get extra ice cream. Wy however, was here because she had accidently drank from her paint water instead of her soda, and ended up needing to be rushed over so she could get her stomach pumped, and watched for any side effects from the chemicals in the paint. And now? Well today was the day that they were supposed to be going home, and although it was a bit sad for the three of us to have to say goodbye, I still felt happy that they would be going back to their normal lives.

"Oi, my mum and my pa should be here in a few hours to pick me up!" Peter said happily, as he pulled out his small track phone, and showed me (once again) a picture of his parents who held him happily within their embrace. "Oh and Wy, my pa said that if it's okay with yours you can come along with us to the park. After all we've been in this place for so long, and my mum says that it's good for us to be able to stretch our legs after being stuck in our beds."

"Well _you_ could've left at anytime Peter, you just wanted to stay so you could get more ice cream." Wy pointed out then, in which the other only puffed out his chest, and flashed a gleaming smile.

"Well duh, no way I was gonna pass up free ice cream whenever I wanted- it's like a dream come true!" Peter said happily, as he gave his tummy a pleased pat. At that I chuckled amusingly as Wy herself let a smile cross her lips, although she tried to hide it behind her ponytail that fell across the right side of her head.

"And hey, speaking of family, have you found Alfred yet?" Peter asked, his eyes curious as he gazed at me from beneath his dirty blonde bangs. And at that, a frown crossed over my own lips. I had told them about my own situation as they had told me theres, and in their own compassion they had helped me out by searching their own wings of the hospital, and yet even with two paris of extra eyes they have found nothing. Not cowlick nor bright smile, and I was left with only square one.

"Non, I haven't found him yet. But this is a big hospital after all, and there's still the whole south wing that I haven't searched yet. He's got to be there." I stated, my hand curling into a determined fist as my eyes gleamed. At that Peter and Wy leaned in, feeling my forward drive as our voices dropped to a whisper, as if afraid that the very tree we found comfort under would rat out our words.

"Well then what are you doing here?" Wy asked. "There's an elevator down the hall from here that'll take you to the main entrance of the next wing. All you have to do is slip by the reception desk." She informed, although before I could answer Peter spoke up once more- his tone matter-of -fact as he waved a hand over at Romano.

"Because he's under watch remember? The dumb therapist will squawk like a bird if Matthew so much as _looks_ towards the exit."

"Well.. Not unless we can distract him in some way." I butted in, causing the three of us to fall into silence, as we thought to ourselves, and watched Romano from the corners of our eyes. The Italian was currently talking to an elderly woman by the pond with a soft voice, and thoughtful eyes that wandered against her wheelchair. They seemed to be talking about it, for soon Romano was bending down at the knees and gently taking hold of one of the wheels. It squeaked loudly in his hand as he turned it, and both he and the aged woman made an unhappy face, before the Italian stood once more and the conversation continued.

"Hey, that gives me a great idea!" Peter spoke up then, his eyes gleaming mischievously as both me and Wy turned to him curiously.

"What, the old lady or the wheelchair?" Wy asked, as she raised an eyebrow. At that Peter snorted and shook his head.

"Neither, I'm talking about the pond!" He said, as he pointed a quick finger towards it's direction. "Your therapist has been lingering by it the whole time, and I've seen him looking in at the fish, so why don't we give him a _closer_ look~." Peter said with a sly smile, as me and Wy both shared a shocked look.

"You want to push him in the pond! Peter I don't know if that's a-"

"It's a perfect idea!" Wy interrupted me with a mischievous smile. Me and you can go play around over there, and 'accidentally' bump into his front, causing him to tumble in! And it'll certainly give you enough time to make your escape~." She said with a look to me, and yet, before I could even say another word the two of them were already on their feet, and dashing over to where the Italian was, leaving me to just get ready to run when they did the deed.

I stood to my feet, and silently slipped through the grass to stand close to the door. My heart was pounding against my chest. Adrenaline was pulsing through my veins, and as I watch Peter and Wy run around the pond, getting ready to strike, I leaned back and looked out the doorway where the elevator was. It's metal was gleaming, and the doors were closed tight. The hallway was empty, and the clock on the wall seemed to be going in slow motion.. well, until a loud splash echoed through the greenhouse, and I looked up to see Romano drenched in water, and sitting in the pond with a dazed look on his face.

"Well, what are you waiting for!?" Peter called, as he made a shooing motion with his hands. "We've got everything covered here Sarge- pursue the rest of the mission!" They encouraged, and with a nod and a thumbs up to them, I spun on my heels and made a dash towards the elevator. My bare feet slapped against the ground, and the stale air whipped through my hair. The sun speckled my skin through the windows, and I could feel my weak legs wobble slightly under the sudden rush of movement. But I was a blur through the cameras. I was a wind through the hall, and as I skidded to a stop and pressed the button for the elevator to come down, I wrung my hands nervously, and bounced on my heels. ' _C'mon_ … _hurry up_!' I ordered through my thoughts, as I watched the blinking numbers above the elevator door slowly tick down. Their luminescent, green glow glaring down mockingly.

"Matthew!" An angry voice. A sharp one, and I knew that if I turned I'd see a furious, drenched Romano racing towards me. I could hear his thudding footsteps slosh against the clean tile, and my fingers pressed against the button madly, until finally the gray, metal doors opened, and I slipped inside. I quickly mashed the upper button, and as the doors slid close I briefly caught sight of the fiery eyes of the fuming Italian- his curses still being heard through the metal as I began my way up.

Talk about a close call, but I still needed to be on alert even as I made it into the south wing. After all, my reputation of being at large has flew well ahead of me by the staff, so even though I've broken away from Romano, that doesn't mean I was still in the clear. And as the elevator doors slipped back open, I quickly jumped into the shadows once more with my head kept low. I wasn't sure where to start in all honesty, after all it's not like I could ask the receptionist. They'd just rat me out! That and i've already asked them before, but they refused to tell me anything, which was totally super helpful.

Nevertheless, I could find him. I _would_ find him! This was the last wing of the hospital that was left to be searched after all, and with the rooms starting on the utmost floor, it meant he had to be here.

Somewhere.

I nodded to myself with encouragement at that, then began my journey through the halls- my eyes trained on the little signs outside each door. The letters gleamed in the artificial light, and my ears were open as my hand ran against the smooth wall. No other footsteps beside my own. No other heartbeat except for mine. I passed like a ghost through the narrow, bleach scented halls, and when I did hear the sounds of other footsteps advancing towards me, I quickly ducked around a corner, or slipped into any open room that was around. And that was a bit awkward in itself.

With the thundering sound of heels clacking against the tile, I slithered my way through a crack in a door just big enough for me to get by, as I waited for the danger to pass. However, in my rush I interrupted what looked like a visit between a small family. A teen sat bundled up in the bed, and was surrounded by what looked like their mother, father and sister. And yet… said teen didn't look upset at my interruption, instead they simply smiled sadly at me and asked, "You're Matthew right? Still looking for your brother?" And all I could do was nod bewilderedly, while the parents looked on with surprise. Geez, I know I mentioned before that my reputation surpassed me, but I didn't realise that even some of the other _patients_ knew my name. It made me feel a bit under the spotlight, and almost like a hero or a legend at the same time, a name you hear and a story you know without knowing if it's true or not. And thinking about it, I guess my story was a bit unbelievable. I mean, a young man sneaks out of his room and searches the hospital up and down in search of his missing twin, while sneaking past doctors, nurses and cameras.. It was a bit wierd. But it was _my_ wierd. Well," the teen said then, breaking the silence with a smile laced with gleaming braces, "I hope you find him~." And that was all that was said, before I was slipping out the door once more, and passing through the halls. My mind was racing, and my heart was thumping against my chest. I had to be more careful. Yes that patient was cool with me just butting in, but others could call me in. I was amongst the enemy, and as my eyes went back to reading the nameplates on the walls, I listened for even the slightest turn of a knob as well.

Brooks. Wilson. Parker. Lee. The list of last names flashed across my eyes with every one I passed. Allen. Ocampo. Smith. Townshed. Again and again different names that I weren't looking for. Again and again going further and further down the list, down the numbers. I was running out of doors. Out of plates.

Out of hope.

He had to be here right? My papa's said that he was in a small accident, and if he wasn't visiting me then he had to be here. He had to be resting. Healing. Patched up or drugged up on painkillers. Either way he was somewhere in this building. Somewhere down this hall, somewhere behind a door. Right?

"Matthew!" My head whipped around at the sound of my name, to see Romano once more. His chestnut hair was a mess, and the ends still dripped with the murky water of the pond. His honey orbs were tired and angry, and his chest rose and fell quickly as he tried to catch his breath. And I? Well, I ran.

I turned on my heel and raced down the hall, turning the corner and sprinting ahead with arms swinging and head lowered. Papers went flying as my passing breeze whisked them through the air. Small trolleys carrying towels or bottles were rammed into and knocked over, their contents spilling out onto the floor. Other idle bodies jumped out of the way, as I panted through my lips, and I blindingly raced through the maze of turning corners and gleaming doors. Alfred had to be here. He had to be! But then why couldn't I find him? Why wouldn't anyone tell me where he is? Why wouldn't my own parents just _talk_ to me! He was in a little accident, a small collision, that's it!

Well, wasn't it? Or was there something more. Something they weren't telling me. Something no one was allowed to say, like a voodoo topic only spoken through hushed whispers in secluded rooms and clusters. But why was it like that? What weren't they telling me!?

A sudden flash of blinding white light, and a rush of sweet air washed over me then, derailing my train of thought, as my bare feet now stood on warm concrete. I had to raise a hand to block out the sun that now glared down upon me, as the wind whipped at my thin nightgown. The roof. I had somehow managed to find the way up to the roof, and I could still hear the sounds of Romano, and a few other pairs of footsteps behind me.

I backed up then from the door- my head throbbing and confused, fearful tears burning in my eyes. My golden hair was whipping around my face. My hands where curled into fists. But even through my hazy vision, I could still make out the shapes of the Italian, as well as Dr. Yao and surprisingly my papas Arthur and Francis, who Romano must of fetched through the circumstance of the situation. They were panting, with their bodies hunched over as they tried to catch their breath. Gasping, and saying incoherent gibberish as they tried to pull their words together. And to my own shock, it was Francis who spoke up first with his own tongue of ice.

"Matthieu, what do you think you're doing!?" He snapped as he slowly rose to his feet. Do you have any idea the trouble you've caused today!" And at that I could only snarl, my lips curling in a furious sneer, as I took a defiant step forwards.

"Yes actually, I know exactly all the trouble i've caused, and I frankly don't give a damn eh! I'm trying to look for Alfred!"

"Yes we know, and I thought that we told you to stop this nonsense!" Arthur called back then, his emerald eyes a mixture of swirling emotions, as his dirty blonde hair swept across his face at each gust of wind. "You've gone and snuck off one too many times Matthew, but this is the last straw! Don't you know that we worry sick for you every time you vanish!"

"Oui, mon fils please!" Francis added then as he took a step towards me with an outstretched hand. "You're causing too much headache with your actions, we just want you to calm down."

" _I'm_ causing too much headache!?" My voice was shrill, and louder than it's ever been before. A yell. A screech that pierced through the air, and the calmness of my papa's words. " _None_ of this would be happening if you would just tell me where Alfred is! I haven't seen him since I went into surgery, and now everyone's jumping around his name like it's the plague! So of course I'm going to look for him! What did you expect!?"

"For you to just listen to us!" Arthur butted in once more. "Yes we realise that by us staying so silent it only caused your curiosity to peek, but we're still your parents!" And at that I could feel my fuse coming to its end. My eyes leaked with furious tears, and I could see Romano and Dr. Yao shuffling nervously behind my papa's, but I didn't care. They were all keeping something from me. They were all expecting me to just act like everything is normal when clearly it isn't! They expect me to act like an obedient child, and although I know that my past actions weren't that mature, their pity wasn't what I wanted!

"Yes you're my parents! You're supposed to look after me, and help me grow up throughout my life, but damn it i'm a grown man now! And this is a matter of family that I deserve to be apart of, and yet you won't just have an adult conversation with me about whatever's wrong! So of _course_ I'm going to try and take it into my own hands and find my own answers! If Alfred's here then-."

"Well Alfred _isn't_ here Matthew! Is that what you want to hear so damn bad!?"

And then there was silence. It was suddenly so very thick, and I could only watch as Arthur slapped a hand over his mouth, as if he had just let the most vile thing slip from his lips. Even Francis looked wide eyed, as he gently gripped Arthurs arm and brought the Brit close who began to silently let fat tears roll down his cheeks. And I could only stand there in shock and confusion, as dread slowly began to fill up my core, and my mouth went dry. I wanted to speak. I wanted to ask the many questions that swirled through my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to mutter a single thing. Thankfully however, I didn't have too as Francis spoke through a voice sounding ready to break. His own eyes were welling with tears, and as he spoke he did so carefully, as if afraid the wrong thing would send himself into a fit of sobs. "Matthieu, you're right… we have been avoiding the thought, the mere mention of your brother. We've been lying to you, but only because we weren't sure _how_ we were going to tell you. Because nothing could ever prepare us, or you, for the answer you're so desperately looking for." Francis muttered, his voice nearly being lost to the wind as he swallowed thickly. His hands were shaking. And I could see his lip quivering, as he desperately clawed through his mind so he could find the right things to say. "The story we told you about Alfred getting into an accident was just a spit idea we came up with on the spot. He never even left the hospital on the day you went into surgery, and up until then we were practically begging him to eat, since he never had an appetite due to his worry over you.." A faint smile crossed the Frenchmans lips at that, but it quickly faded as glimmering tears raced down his cheeks, and splattered against the top of Arthur's head. The Brit had his face buried in Francis's chest, and his hands were gripping Francis's shirt so tightly his knuckles were white, as his shoulders shook with the silent sobs that raked through his being. But even with the sorrowful display, there was only one question that was weighing down heavily upon my mind.

"But… if it was a lie then… then where is Alfred? Where is my brother?" My voice that had been a scream before was now reduced to a whisper. A broken, terrified whisper of a child who knew that bad news was coming. However, it wasn't either one of my papa's that spoke up then, instead it was Dr. Yao. His wise eyes were only clouded by the sadness that shined through, however despite this, he still kept a professional air around him as he wrung his hands together, and took a deep breath through his teeth.

"Matthew there's something that you need to know about you and your brother. You see… you two are what is known as _Dizygotic Twins_. This means that you're from two different eggs, and fermented by two different sperms of the same person. However, because of this your genetic makeup is different, and you only share about half of your actual genes- keeping them from being identical." Yao explained, keeping his explanation slow, as he wetted his lips nervously. "With this being said, it's the reason why you have the heart disease you do, and why Alfred had no trace in his system…." Another silence. And with it I could see the pain that was being etched across my papa's faces, and the sorrow over everyone else's. Both Francis and Arthur had tears in their eyes, and looked down to the concrete roof as they held each other, avoiding my gaze as Yao continued, although when he did his voice was apologetic, and straight to the point. A point that pierced through my being, and sent a shiver racing down my whole body- draining me of blood and warmth.

"Matthew, the reason why you haven't seen or heard from your brother, the reason why we've all been so… secretive, is because your heart surgery wasn't a surgery but a _heart transplant_ , and it was Alfred who.." But not even Yao could finish, for his voice trailed off to nothing as he silently pleaded with me to understand. And understand I did, although I couldn't believe it.

Alfred wouldn't give me his heart. He wouldn't lay down everything he's ever worked up for just so I could have a chance at the future. He wouldn't give up on his wants, his dreams, his _tomorrow_ so I can pursue my own. He wouldn't! He couldn't!

But… that was a lie wasn't it? Because I know that Alfred's always seen himself as my hero. Because he _has_ always been my hero.

He would give up everything for me...

 _And he did._

"Matthew? Matthew we're sorry we didn't tell you sooner..." It was papa Arthur's voice then, but it sounded distorted, like it was pulled through static. My tongue was swollen in my mouth, and the air that managed to squeeze itself into my lungs was only choked back out as I grossly sobbed. Tears like a river slid from my cheeks, and dripped to the roof like rain.

"W-Why?" I asked then, my voice hollow. "Why did you let him.. Why didn't you talk him out of it? Why didn't you-."

"You don't think we tried mon fils?" Francis piped up then, his eyes red and murky with sorrow and reopened pain. "We were practically _begging_ your brother to reconsider, pleading to God to change his mind. But nothing could sway him, especially since there were no other hearts available for you."

"That's right." Yao butted in then, hoping to spare my mourning fathers from having to explain the reason behind the agony. "Matthew, you and your brothers blood type is AB negative, a type so rare that only 0.6% of the population of the United States has it. It could've taken _years_ in the hopes that we could get a heart that your body would accept, but with how weak you were at the time you only had a few months at _best_. Your brother knew this, and he provided where there had previously been no hope for…"

But Yao's voice was consumed by the screaming voices of my own thoughts, as the loose pieces began to morph together. This was the reason why papa Francis and Arthur had been so puffy eyed and exhausted after my surgery. This is why Dr. Yao was acting so strange when I was in ICU. This is why when I had asked Alfred if he was still going to be there after my surgery he had shared such a look with Yao… because he _wasn't_ going to be there.

Because that was the last time I would ever be with him again.

A blubbering sob broke from my lips then, as the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. My chin trembled like a childs, and my hands came to my face to try and scrub away the salty pearls. But the waterfall kept gushing, pouring, streaming out uncontrollably, while my throat could only let loose mournful wails of agony. My knees trembled, and then buckled- my body curling in on itself, as I hid my face behind the curled fingers of my hands. The top of my head rested against the roof, and my golden hair lay sprawled out around me as I bawled. My entire being was shaking. My nose was running. My face was flushed. My heart.. _Alfred's_ heart was shattering into a million sharp pieces, and collecting numbly at the bottom of my chest.

And then I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me, and I was being pulled into my papa's chests. Arthur stroked my hair, and cried silently against my scalp. Francis squeezed me tight, and rocked us back and forth, while Yao and Romano could only watch on, observing our small, broken family as I clutched to my fathers shirts. My knuckles turned white, and my tears splattered and soaked into their clothes, leaving wet spots as the rain poured down from my eyes.

He was gone.

He was really gone, and now it was just the three of us. And it was like a hole had been punctured through our family. A huge hole. An Alfred sized hole, that felt cavernous. Unending. A void where no happiness could seem to reach.

It was just the three of us.

With a borrowed heart beating at the center of it all.

 **And what happened after that? Well, everything that normally happens after the passing of a loved one. Words of support. Days of numbness and unpleasant dreams. Memories of joy turning into that of sorrow. A funeral, and with it the last goodbyes.**

 **•oŌo•**

"Matvie, we're about to begin."

I glanced up from the cup I loomed over to see Ivan standing in the doorway to the kitchen. His scarf fell over his shoulders carefully. His hair was perfectly set, and his boots hit the wooden floor deeply. And yet, despite the formality, his clothes were relaxed and casual- his everyday getup. But then again, all of ours were. Me and Kiku. Papa Francis and Arthur. Our clothes weren't that of black and white, or stuffed collars and fancy outfits, but instead done down, as if we were all just out on a night on the town. But of course we were, because it was what Alfred said he wanted in his short will. That he wanted us to not treat his funeral like a final passing, but as a celebration of his life. And that we did. From Alfred's favorite colors, foods, drinks and flowers. To music pulled from his MP3, and images of us together from his gallery- we went through the smallest details with a fine comb, making sure that it was everything that my brother would want it to be.

"Ah, thank you mon amour." I stated then gently, as I stood and dumped the last of the water down the drain, before tossing the plastic cup away in the trash. From there, me and Ivan walked silently down the halls towards the pulpit- our footsteps matching in line, as we slowly passed through the walls of the church. In the distance I could hear the soft sounds of music playing, as well as chitter-chatter from various voices. Warm sunlight rained down from the skylights, and as we neared the main room, beautiful bouquets of fresh roses lined the walls and floors. Reds. Whites. Pinks and yellows. Their petals were as soft as silk between the pads of my fingers, and their scent was heavenly and relaxing- a cooling drop against my frazzled nerves that sizzled and snapped like popcorn on a stovetop. I had gotten out of the hospital a week after that day on the roof, and between that time we had whipped up a quaint funeral plan for my brother using the last bits of writing he left behind. However, despite all the planning and evolvement I had in this event, I was still having a hard time accepting it. I've been living on autopilot it seems, talking when I need to, eating when I should, but not hearing my own words or tasting the food against my tongue. And now that I was here? Now that I was standing at the entrance of the pulpit, and staring across the room at Alfreds casket? It was like a weight that finally released of it's support, leaving it to crash down around me..

And then I could feel my hand being held. Warmth spread through my fingers, as Ivan reached out and laced our fingers together. His touch was delicate, but his grip was firm and supportive. His orchid eyes watched me with worry, and then, with a gentle tug, he slowly pulled me forwards down the aisle- leading and protecting me from any prying eyes that dared look down upon me with the pity I didn't want. And I was grateful for the wall he provided. For the intimidating aura that scattered the people who lingered too close. The church was fully packed after all, and all that attention wasn't what I needed. From my tiny family, to all of Alfred's closest friends. To his college teachers and nearly all of his classmates.. I could feel their eyes piercing into me. I could feel the anguish that dripped from their words, as they spoke to one another. I could feel their misery. I could feel..

 _Guilt_.

After all, it's my fault that Alfred's gone. It's my fault that he had to give up everything he could've wanted, and anything he could've been. It's my fault they'll never see him again. It's my fault they'll never hear from him.

I sighed deeply at that as I took my seat between Papa and Ivan, as the music slowly changed to that of soft instrumentals, and the priest walked up upon the stage. His feet thudded gently against the old wood, and as he stood in front of the podium, he stood next to Alfred's smooth, maple wood casket, and the beaming picture of him surrounded by freshly bloomed roses and other floral life. His sapphire eyes gleamed. His wheat hair reflected the sun and appeared like liquid gold. His smile stretched from ear to ear, and his button nose cradled his wire glasses perfectly. The image itself made tears jerk around my vision, but I kept them in as Ivan stroked the back of my hand gently with his thumb, and the priest began his sermon.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say farewell to Alfred Jones, and to commit him away into the hands of the angels." He began, his voice steady as he looked out upon the sea of teary eyed mourners. "But of course, before we say the Hymn and travel to the grave of final resting, I invite those who wish to say their last words to come up and share. Let us celebrate his memory with stories of better days, and recognition." And with those few words, it was like a sea arose. Around me I could hear the countless sounds of shuffling bodies, or papers being opened that held goodbyes. And one by one, people would come up and speak, and cry, and then leave once more to their seats. People whose faces I couldn't put a name too. People who Alfred never brought up. People who were all affected, and yet never so deeply as me and my family, and the few who sat around us. Like Kiku for example. Once the smaller crowds had finally dispersed, I watched as the small Japanese male stood to his feet. His hands were shaking. His eyes were already welling with tears. But still he walked to the podium, and still he spoke- although his voice gave away the pain he must've been feeling.

"Alfred-sama was… like no one I had ever known before." He began, his short, black hair covering his eyes a bit, as he looked down at the crumpled paper in his hands. "He was courageous. Outgoing. Hopeful for every tomorrow, and obnoxious in the best and worst ways. He was a friend to all that would have him, and an enemy to those who just couldn't handle the sunlight he emitted. He touched all our hearts, and even in death he still holds mine in his hands..." Kiku paused there, and the sound of the paper being crushed in his shaking grip filled the room. "He was- _is_ \- unforgettable, and although I miss him, although I long to just have _one_ more day, I will always treasure every memory of him when he was at his best. Oh him smiling and laughing, and bringing with him a brighter today. Because that's what Alfred-sama would've wanted, and that's what his memory so deserves." And as quick as he had come up, Kiku retreated back to his seat once more, falling into his hands as he did so, so he could cry into his palms. The very sight made Alfred's heart twist in my chest painfully, and I felt myself having to grip the area over my shirt to keep myself from doubling over. A rancid feeling was filling up my body, and making my throat tight. Like a dry, cutting swell that made my head throb! And it only worsened as papa Arthur and Francis went up together.

Their fingers were laced. Their bodies close. Their eyes red and puffy from the countless tears they had shed. They had done the one thing a parent should never do- well outlive their children- and now here they stood upon the stage to set their baby in the ground.

"Well.. First I'd like to thank all of you for coming out. I'm sure that Alfred feels very loved to see so many people here who are touched by his loss." Francis began, trying to keep a steady face as Arthur could only nod, and smile gently in addition.

"Yes, he always did tell me that he was the nerdy, popular type in school, but bloody hell I could never really understand that until I've seen all of you myself~." There was a soft chuckle then through the sea of faces then, and hands came up to wipe away some of the tears that stained their cheeks, as they smiled softly. Even Francis gave a weak grin, although it didn't reach his eyes.

"Yes well, nonetheless I'm sure Alfred really appreciates this~. Even when he was a small child he always did love great get togethers like this, and although it's unfortunate that the reasoning couldn't be better, I'm sure he's smiling down upon us all from his place in the clouds~."

"And a place that he so deserves." Arthur added, speaking up once more, although his tone was more sorrowful. "Alfred, although he had his moments, was always an angel in his own ways. He had a big heart, and cared for everyone around him. I even remember when he was little, we had gone fishing at an old lake, and he started crying when he caught his first fish, because he thought that the hook in its mouth had killed it…" The Brit muttered with a chuckle, as silent tears dripped down his cheeks. "We ended up having to put it back in the water after Alfred played doctor- watching our every movement as we freed it from the line. And even though he grew up from that day, he still held the same love for every living thing, and had wild dreams of finding new life far away on planets beyond our own stars." Arthur's voice trailed off then, and he choked on his breath as his tears fell faster, and he brought his hand up to bite down on his finger to keep himself from sobbing. From next to him, Francis gently leaned in to kiss the Brits tears, before he too spoke up with a river threatening to spill from his eyes.

"Oui, I remember that too mon amour, and as we have our memories with him, I am sure the rest of you have your own." He stated, looking back out onto the crowd that listened so intently. "And it is in those happy memories that Alfred lives on, for he wouldn't want any of us to remember him in these last moments of sorrow, but instead in the happiness that he brought, and the happiness that we all shared in the blessed moments that he was with us."

A mummer of agreement then. A few loud sobs broken between smiles and nods of agreement. I had to admit, I was fairly impressed with the speech that my papa's had made, but their encouraging words only made the bitter feeling within me to swell. It sizzled and popped, and grew its way up my throat and across my brain. It burned. It made Alfred's heart within me jump, and my hands to grow sweaty. My face went pale, and my hands shook.

It was my turn to give my speech, and yet I knew that this feeling wasn't nervousness I was feeling.

I stood to my feet then with my head down, avoiding the hateful stares that plunged into my being. They were all cursing me in a million ways to Sunday weren't they? The entire church full of mourners… I could feel the want in their eyes. Their want to jump up and tear me apart. After all, it was I who Alfred laid his life down for, and they must blame me in every way for the pain they must be feeling. Especially Kiku.

Just the thought of losing Ivan made tears bead in my eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to hug him, to know that my Russian teddy bear is safe and alive. But Alfred isn't anymore, and whatever future they had possibly planned for themselves went up in flames with it. Kiku must think I'm such a needy little thing. A selfish abomination for taking away the one who he was so fond of.

Maybe everyone was thinking that.

Maybe if I had been healthier. Maybe if I had went to the doctors more often. Maybe if I had done something _more_ , something _better_ this wouldn't be happening...

"I-I'm so sorry…" I choked out then, my hands gripping the podium as a dam burst behind my eyes, and whatever I had been previously holding back burst forth. My hand slapped over my mouth to try and quiet my sobs, but the pained whimpers still left my mouth, as I sobbed and my tears saturated the wood below me. "I know that it's my fault that Alfred's gone. I know that you all must hate me.. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss him too. I miss him so much!" I cried, my wail echoing through the church as I scrubbed at my eyes to no avail. The tears kept gushing forward, pooling in my palms and rushing away to the floor as all I could do was continue to beg for forgiveness. From the crowd. From Kiku. From my papas… I just wanted someone to tell me that it was okay, and I got far more than that.

Arms wrapped around me. One pair, then two and three. Papa Arthur and Francis and Kiku.. They were all here, hugging me upon the small stage, and holding together all the pieces that threatened to break away. I couldn't help but melt into their embraces, and continue my mournful sniffling. "I'm sorry guys.. I really am just-."

"That's enough of that Matthew." Arthur interrupted then firmly, although his tone was gentle. "You have _no reason_ to be sorry love. None of us here blame you for what's happening, for there was nothing you or anyone here could've done."

"Oui~." Francis added then, as he gently weaved his fingers through my hair soothingly, and he smiled at me. "The defect you had was something that couldn't be helped, and was unwantingly passed down through your genetics. Even if you had taken every precaution to live the most healthiest life, it still would've happened Matthieu, so don't think that you did something to cause this, or that you could've stopped it."

"Hai," it was Kiku who spoke up then, his chocolate eyes sad yet comforting, "your brother loved you dearly Matthew-kun, and to see you in the state you were in agonized him. I knew that he would do anything to help you, and even though I miss him, I understand why he did it. And it's okay, because it's what he wanted, and he's still alive here~." I felt Kiku gently press his hand against my chest then above my heart, causing it to skip a beat as I could only gaze on with a dazed look. Their words were slowly sinking in, slowly making me feel warm where the shame left me frigid and numb, and as I looked out at the others in the crowd, they too looked at me with a soothing glance.

Because it _wasn't_ my fault.

Yes it felt like it in ways, but just because I was here didn't mean that I made him make that decision. I didn't make my heart the way it was. I didn't know, and what had occurred, what was occuring, was just a series of unfortunate events that would numb away with the pain that I, and the rest of us were feeling.

And as my papas and Kiku hugged me in a comforting embrace, as their soft smiles soothed away the tears of self hate, I too hugged them back, and allowed my own smile to cross my lips once more.

 **From there, there was the final prayer, some more hugs and tears, and then we all watched as Alfred was slowly lowered into the ground. He looked so peaceful too, so fragile in the small, maple wood casket that held him just so- it was like he was only sleeping. But all of that was years ago. Nearly ten to be exact, and in that time I had finally finished my schooling with a masters degree, saved enough money to build up my childhood dreams, and opened a small, catch and release marine life aquarium.**

 **•oŌo•**

"Mr. Braginski?" My eyes snapped up from the clipboard I was holding to see my assistant in training poking his head through the door of my office. He looked tired, but his fingers drummed on the door excitingly, as he flashed a smile. "You remember that call we got about the Memorial University College wanting to bring a class over? Well they actually showed up for the tour! They're pulling up on the busses now, and are about to head in!" And with that news I too felt a rush of excitement race through me. This would be our first college tour, and I wanted to make a good impression on the ones that I could be hiring in the future once they graduated. It was a big step, and one that could really help the aquarium out. And so with a thumping heart and a gleaming smile, I approached the buzzing students, and gave some of them a welcoming handshake.

"Hello everyone and welcome to the Alfred Jones marine life aquarium! My name is Matthew Braginski, and I'll be your guide today~." I stated, before I flicked my wrist to tell them to follow me, as we wandered into the main area. Here the lights were brighter, and the sun bathed down from a large skylight upon the roof. The polished tile floor swept out in an ocean, and was only broken by the receptionist desk, and the first leading aquariums that held their own array of darting fish, and lively decorations. The air smelt of the sea, and all around the soothing sounds of running water could be heard trickling through the air, as the students looked around wide eyed and excited. They marveled at the aquatic life that was swimming around without a care, and unknowing to the attention they were receiving. Large Angelfish with gleaming yellow scales. Hardy Clownfish that weaved between the coral. Dragonets, Rabbitfish, Grunts and Chromis. The students studied and admired them all with engrossed enthusiasm. Some even took a few photos (non flash of course), and even the teacher got together with some of the students and took a selfie in front of the Ray habitat. It was a pleasant sight, and as we traveled deeper into the building I addressed the class as a whole, and continued on with the tour. "Much like the extraordinary Clearwater Marine Aquarium in Florida, we specialize in the delicate catch and release of sick or injured aquatic species. We keep them in special tanks as similar as possible to their original homes, as we help them along the path to rehabilitation. And once they're healed from their ailments? Well, we let them go back to their home- dropping them off in their appropriate areas. And it isn't just fish we work on. From dolphins and sharks, to the study and protection of our coral reefs, we're on a never ending journey to protect our oceans, and see the beautiful life within them thrive." I explained, as we approached an employee only door that lead to the back. Normally I wouldn't think about letting others through here, but if I was going to really blow them away, I was gonna have to break a few of my own rules.

The door unlocked with a click, before swinging open to reveal all the more technical parts of the aquarium. Buckets upon buckets of different fish food. Piles of water cleaner and purification supplies. Boxes of ordered tank decorations that had yet to be opened and placed. The students eyes went wide at it all, and carefully stepped over some loose hoses or supplies that had been haphazardly placed. At that I only smiled, and waved a hand out at the room as we kept walking through. "As you can see, there's a lot more to every aquarium then just looking pretty. We go through hundreds of pounds of fish food, and thousands of gallons of water to keep these species up and going, and we're always adding more to our aquarium to help educate the public and get them involved in the protection of our delicate oceans. After all, they cover 71% of our earth, so why not take care of them eh?" I asked hypothetically, as we went in further and came to another employee door. But even that one we pushed past, as I lead them into a dome shaped room with a large tank in the center that had a wooden staircase leading up to it. The students eyed it curiously, and as I lead them up, I happily smiled as I heard their happy coos and 'awwws,' as they stood upon the balcony, and peered into the crystal clear water. Inside was a juvenile striped dolphin, it's sleek body shining in the light as it came up to poke its nose through the water. The students smiled at it excitedly, and reached out a few hands to gently stroke her nose. At that the dolphin let loose a few happy clicks, before playfully splashing the students who squealed and laughed- wiping the water from their faces.

"This is Салли, or Sally for you non-Russian speakers which is practically everyone here." I joked, as I went down to my knees to gently pet the top of the dolphins head. "As a baby she was washed up on the beach of the Vancouver islands with a broken dorsal fin. We think that she was hit by a boat while her and her family were treading water, but nonetheless my partner Ivan took her in, and we've been watching over her ever since. Currently Sally's been making a great recovery, but she's still too young to send her back to the ocean all on her own. So we've been working on a special, indoor tank for her to move into soon. That way people can come in and learn more about her, as well as feed her the fish she so loves with some hands on experience. And speaking of…" Here I paused, so I could reach over and grab a bucket from the floor. It was filled with pieces of squid, and the water in it sloshed around gently as I placed it down at the students feet. "Anyone wanna feed her lunch?~"

And of course they all did~.

I watched as the students gathered around the water, plunging their hands into the bucket to get some squid, before they held out the slimy morsels for Sally to take. The dolphins eyes seemed to light up, and with quick movements, she snatched each piece of food right from their awaiting hands- successfully making the students howl with joy, and saturate them even more with every slap of her fins against the water. Sally spun around happily, jumping in and out of the water. Turning and clicking and splashing, as she bathed in the attention she was receiving. Students took videos and pictures, and talked happily to themselves as they continued to feed her until the bucket ran empty, and it was time to leave.

Disappointment was clear on their faces, and as they were sent to the bathrooms to wash up they did so slowly, wanting to take their time before they walked past the fish aquariums once more, and were filed back onto the buses. I stood outside under the awning and waved goodbye to them as the buses puttered away, their yellow bodies being lost to the streets, and disappearing out of sight.

And ugh, man was that stressful! I mean sure, it was exciting and fun as hell to be doing the tour with them, but I simply _had_ to make sure that I made a good impression on them and the teacher. After all, if they go back to their college and word gets around of all the fun they had, then surely more people would come! Maybe we'd even get more tours from other schools as well! And just think of the expanding we could do then! We could help even more animals, and make the aquarium a better attraction for those hungry to learn more about the vast seas around them!~

Excitement raced through my veins like electricity at that, and I headed back in with quick strides. Around me other people were filtering in and out, parents and their excited children, teens on dates holding hands, or just ones that looked at the fish with a hypnotized stare. It was buzzing with activity, and I could smell the scents of the cafe close by, as I headed back to my office. The door swung open, and then closed behind me silently, as I leaned against the wood and let loose a long sigh. I ran my fingers through my hair, then turned to Kuma who was sitting on a small bookshelf propped up against the wall. The old bear was missing his left eye, and his fur was frizzed out and cream colored from age. His right paw had a patch sewn on from an old tear, and his leg was in need of some sowing. Nonetheless, beside the wear and tear he was my childhood toy, and I couldn't bear parting with him.

"Oh Kuma," I said then, as I gave his head a pat, and scratched behind his ear, "do you think I did a good job with the tour? I didn't put in too much did I?" But of course the stuffed polar bear said nothing, and I could only frown slightly to myself in response. Well, until I felt a pair of arms slipping around my middle, followed by lips kissing the back of my ear. I jumped, and spun on my heels to slap at the one responsible, but it was only Ivan, and he caught my hand effortlessly just before my palm met his cheek.

"Whoa there sunflower," he said then with a chuckle, as he pulled me into his chest, "it isn't nice to hit people~."

"Yeah well, you shouldn't of snuck up on me like that." I reported back, although I leaned against the Russian's chest nonetheless. I could hear his heart beating powerfully through his shirt, and his arms tightened around me in a hug.

"Да, that is true and I'm sorry, but I am only trying to help. You really shouldn't worry too much about how the tour went okay? I saw them on they're way out, and they looked like they had a blast! Plus, with all the laughing that was coming from Sally's tank i'd think it was a success~." The taller soothed, his fingertips running gently against my scalp as he kissed the top of my head. I blushed at his gentle actions, then turned my head up too look at him.

"You really think so Ivan? I just wanna make sure that word gets around of this place. We've worked so hard just to get it where it is now, and I don't wanna see any backwards progression."

"Да I know, I feel the same way too sunflower, but don't worry okay? The students loved it and I'm sure they'll be back again, especially once we get our new arrival in~." And at that I slowly pulled away from his chest with an eyebrow cocked in confusion.

"New arrival? Ivan what are you talking about? Are we getting a new species of fish in again?" But Ivan shook his head no, and the smile that played across his lips was enough to send another wave of tingling excitement trickling through my veins. My eyes lit up, and my own grin spread across my mouth. "Well then what is it? An octopus? A sea turtle?" I asked, but was only greeted with more shakes of my husbands head. His eyes were mischievous, and even as I playfully slapped his chest he didn't so much as blink. "C'mon Ivan tell me! Please! Is it another dolphin? A squid? What!?" I cried unhappily, making my best pouty face that I knew always cracked him, and this time wasn't any different. His quiet reserve slowly broke and crumbled away, until he was blushing at me, and letting loose his own long sigh of defeat.

"Alright Matvie alright," he said with a chuckle, "the thing is, I got a call earlier from the coast guard on the east shore. It seems that another animal got washed up on the beach, but instead of a dolphin what do you think about a baby Narwhal?~" And at that my eyes widened, as a gasp left my lips.

"A Narwal?! But they're so elusive, how did one end up out from under the ice and on land!"

"Well, they're suspecting some sort of illness, but that's for us to find out да?~ We'll just have to move Sally into her new tank and put Lil' Kabob in the old one." The Russian stated with a smile, although at that I chuckled, and playfully slapped his chest once more.

"We are not naming the Narwal Lil' Kabob, Ivan." I stated firmly, as I pulled out of your embrace. Although that only made a frown cross his lips.

"Awww, but why?"

"Because I said so, that's why~." I answered bluntly, as I turned to my desk, and began to shuffle through the papers that sat atop it. I would need to schedule a time to transfer Sally over, and then we'd have to drain out the old tank and put fresh water in. We'd also have to get a shipment of Arctic Cod for it to eat as well, and make preparations for the pickup of the sick animal. And yet, despite all the racing thoughts that were trickling through my head, I was yanked out of them as Ivan once again pulled me into his embrace, and took the papers from my hand- setting them back down on the desk.

"Нет Matvie, we can deal with all the needs for our new arrival later. Right now it's lunch time, and if I don't get you to eat now you won't at all until dinner." He stated firmly, in which I could only pout. One because he was right, I get so engrossed in my work that I do forget to eat sometimes, and two because I was already feeling rather famished, and some succulent kabobs actually sounded pretty good right now. Not that I wanted to admit that of course.

"Well, I guess you're right mon amour," I said with a defeated sigh, "besides with every new member of our aquarium we grow in progress. This building is _everything_ I ever dreamed of, and we deserve to celebrate how far we've come right?" I asked, as Ivan looked at me with eyes full of love, and a smile that was nothing but warm and agreeing.

"Да, that is true Matvie~. Now come on, I know a really good restaurant we can hit up, and share a nice toast for tomorrow~. He said, taking my hand and leading me towards the office door. However, I stopped him as I began to pat my pockets, and gave a soft groan of annoyance.

"Hey Ivan, you just head out to the car okay? I don't have my keys, although I could've sworn that I put them in my coat…"

"Oh? You sure you didn't drop them at the bottom of the shark tank again Matvie?~"

"Out!" And out he went with a teasing laugh, as I waved him out the door, and shut it behind him with a squeak of the hinges. Ugh, I certainly hoped I didn't drop them down there again on accident, although I don't remember being up on the platform to feed them. Did they even get fed today? I'd have to ask my assistant to check once I got back, but until then I could search my office.

I looked along my bookshelf, picking up picture frames to see if maybe they had slid behind them. I looked under the papers to see if they had gotten buried. I tore through the pockets of my spare coat, and even picked up Kuma to see if he was sitting atop them. But still no keys. At least, not until I opened up my top desk drawer, and saw them sitting within the cubby. I sighed with relief at the sight of them, and quickly reached my hand in to scoop them up, and yet before I could close it once more, my eyes rested on the crisp envelope that they had been sitting atop of. It's corners were still sharp. It's shell cut open with a clean sweep. And on the front of the snowy parchment was my name written in smooth, elegant cursive. It was Alfred's handwriting, and inside was the letter he wrote for me before I went into surgery.

I felt my heartstrings ping in my chest at the sight of it, but it wasn't one of pain, but of happiness. When papa Arthur first gave me the letter I hadn't even opened it for nearly a year, because I was still healing from the emotional and physical weights that I was struggling under. I was still dealing with the constant checkups and tests. The nights of crying silently out of mourning for my brother. The numbness that always seemed present, and the stress of trying to succeed without the support of my right hand man. It was just too much, and at that time this letter just felt poisonous in my hands.

But then things got better. Slowly. _Very_ slowly they did. The tests trailed away. The usual hospital visits stopped. The final wisps of guilt and agony I felt were lifted away. And this letter… the pages that held the increments of my brothers final goodbye is something that has gotten me through my hardest days. In fact, I've read them so many times over I could probably recite them to you outloud off the top of my head! But no matter how many times I reread them, they still hold the same strength and love as they did from the first time.

I smiled softly at that, and reached out to delicately take the envelope in my fingers, as the pad of my skin traced along the tear that I had made in the packaging years ago. The white paper crinkled in my hand, and then I dipped my digits inside, and pulled out the two pieces of carefully folded parchment. The paper was still crisp and clean, and had held the faint scent of Alfred's old cologne. I brought it up to my nose and took in the distant smell, before slowly opening the creases. And once again, I was met by a beautiful sea of words written so carefully, and yet so artistically. With loops and swirls that all flowed together like water, it was an elegant display of Alfred last words. His last comforts to soothe me from beyond his grave.

"Matvie?" I looked up from the paper to see Ivan in the doorway once more, his eyes glancing me up and down worriedly. Ah, I had nearly forgot that he was waiting for me! I must've been just standing here for a while, for my stomach growled loudly, wanting to get going.

"Ah, sorry Ivan! I found my keys, I just got… distracted." I said, as I carefully put the letter inside the envelope and set it back down in the drawer. I always kept the letter there within that cubby, for if it wasn't for Alfred that desk wouldn't even be there. The building that me and Ivan walked through wouldn't of been built. The animals we helped would've just gone somewhere else, and the parking lot would still just be a wild field of weeds and dead trees. I was living the dream, _my_ dream! And it felt so good~.

To wake up every day doing what I love. To live happily knowing that i'm taking a positive step in the health of my planet. To walk through the doors that I helped build from the ground up.

It's an unexplainable feeling of accomplishment and pride that sweeps through me every time I pull up to work, or leave it behind to head back home with Ivan. And it's all thanks to Alfred, and the encouraging words of his letter that sat like a repeating blessing within my desk.

 **And what was written on those pages? What was written that holds the last lines of my brothers words? Well, some explaining. Some encouragement. And the same words of love that he has always spoken to me since that night when we were little kids, and I ran to his room to hide from the storm.**

 **•oŌo•**

Matthew,

If you're reading this then it means that everything went well with the surgery, but it also means that i'm no longer with you. And for that, i'd like to apologize. Not because of what I did, but because I know that by the time you read this you're going to know that what really happened was kept secret from you. But please don't blame our papas, for I'm the one who told them to keep the truth from you for a little while. And why, you may ask? Well, because I knew that it would hurt you. Hell, I knew it would be like a thorn through your chest! But with the complications of the surgery I didn't want you finding out right away, and possibly messing up some of the delicate work in your body, because of you freaking out. Because then where would that put us? So please, I hope you can forgive them for keeping it from you, but it was only because I didn't want you to possibly undo some of the work.

But, that's not a topic I want to stay on for long.

Matthew, i'm sure you're curious as to _why_ I did what I did, and i'm sure that you've already been told all the technical stuff. That our blood types are super rare, that your heart was too weak to wait any longer, and although those were some key factors in the reasoning, they aren't all of them.

Like for example, no matter how you look at it you're my brother Matthew, and I care for you deeply. And seeing you trapped in that bed. Seeing you hooked up to all those crazy machines with wires coming in and out of you, it _hurt_. Physically and mentally it hurt me Mattie, for all I want to do is see you healthy and happy! When you're sick I wanna help you get better. When you're hurt I wanna soothe your pains. But knowing that there was _nothing_ I could do to help you, that I just had to sit back and watch you slowly wither away… Matthew it was a feeling worse than death.

Secondly, your dreams are more realistic than mine, and would do more good. Now before you start rambling to yourself about how that's nonsense just think about it for a moment! You want to be a marine biologist, you want to help the ecosystem and the animals within. You want to educate others and get them in on it as well, and that's wonderful!

That's a real progressive step forwards Mattie, and i'm proud of you for being so caring about this world. Because let's face it bro, people go up into space all the time, and we still haven't found anything dramatic. What will change just because I get up there? Do you think that we're going to find or colonize another planet with life anytime soon? And besides, what's the point of going to another planet when we can't even take care of the one we're on now? The Earth is _perfect_ for us, and yet we treat it and the people on it so horribly. There are still countries out there who are dirt poor, and don't even have running water or food to eat, and yet we wanna go and live on other planets? We already have so many wars and treaties and political problems over the land we already have, let alone what we could get on top of that outside our stratosphere thousands of miles away! The more I think about it, the more happy I am that you're doing so much to try and preserve the natural beauty, and delicate ecosystems of our planet. That you're trying to help where you can. It really is remarkable to me Mattie, and I'm so proud of you! You're really 'down to earth~,' if you know what I mean~. But I guess i'm getting off topic with all my silly ramblings…

Mattie, what i'm trying to say is that I want to see you prosper. I know that we're twins, and I know that we're only a few fleeting moments apart, but i've always seen myself as your older brother, and growing up haven't I always sworn to protect you? To be there for you? Well this is no different. I know that it hurts, and I know that you'll never truly get over it, but I want you to know that up to my final moments of writing this paper, I am _not_ afraid. I know where I'm going bro, and I'm happy knowing that by doing this you're going to live the life that you deserve. And speaking of, if you don't get hitched with Ivan, then don't sweat it okay? You're an intelligent, kind and compassionate individual, and I'm sure you'll find your Mr. Right~. And if you do end up with him? Well then you owe me ten bucks, because I told you so! See? I can be the hero and a matchmaker as well! Man I shoulda made a dating website… but anyway, I just want to let you know that I love you Mattie. Every second of every day I have, and even though I'm not at your side physically anymore, I promise you that I will always be with you. When you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be there. When you're feeling stressed out, just vent your troubles out loud to the world, because I will be listening. When you just need a hug, I'll welcome you with open arms, and you know that no matter what you do, you will _always_ have my love and support. As long as it isn't dangerous or illegal of course, because then I'll have to smack some sense into ya~.

Now unfortunately i'm out of time, so i'm going to have to wrap this letter up, but all in all, I hope that this has given you some closer, and hopefully a smile or two as well. I don't want this event to drag you down Mattie. Go and live your life okay? Live it for the both of us, and don't worry about me alright?~ I promise you that i'm doing great where I am and hey, like I said, I'm here for you Mattie- no matter what! After all, it's my job as a hero to make you happy~.

 _I love you~._


End file.
